Flame
by ariainthestars
Summary: As promised, the story begins. Olivia's attempted suicide and the aftermath. The squad's antics. Alex's attempts to bring her back, while at the same time, bringing her closer. It's worth reading the whole thing, so don't get discouraged. Would love some feedback.
1. Part 1 Chapter 1 Surfacing

Olivia had attempted suicide, and she wasn't going to forget it. Alex had spent the night before toiling over a cup of coffee, pondering what was next. She had never known someone with so much complexity – such strength and such weakness, such brash and such softness. Olivia was every color on the spectrum, dark to light, and held it in her fragile heart, guarded by thorns. And despite Alex's warnings and even threats, Olivia refused to walk a beat. She strutted into the squad room as if she had been recovering from a vacation, her hair was silky and curled up against her shoulders, and her clothes were pressed and matching. She looked nothing of the face that had been pressed against her living room couch, red and wet with tears. Her forced ambiance caused the whole squad room to turn in alert. The detectives had all but thought she was through, they solemnly expected her to put her papers in long ago. But there she was, coffee in hand and gun in belt, pushing the message that she was here to stay. The morning banter was still in effect.

"I believe if someone has something to say, they have a right to say it. The dangers of a completely 'functional government' has been illustrated for years now." Munch continued, complete with air quotes, the conspiracy theorists trademark.

"If it's paranoia, it's Ron Paul. Plain and simple." Fin remarked.

"Munch you worship conspiracists, where's your impartiality?" Amaro shot from the coffee maker.

"It's right here in my sixty eight years of age." He shot back, which prompted and eye roll from Fin.

"Oh lord," Rollins chuckled "When are they going to take MSNBC away from you?"

"When you all finally lock me in a nursing home," Munch joked.

"Oh never, Munch." Rollins smiled from behind her computer, and caught Olivia's eye. Or rather, her hairline, as her eyes were focused solely on the pen twirling in her hand. She was getting distracted again.

Everyone knew what had happened. The squad room shooting, the built-up angst, the without-notice leave. This was Stabler's doing. Before this had happened, the whole mess that crumbled down on the squad room like an avalanche, Olivia and Stabler were on opposite sides of the scale. She would hold him up under the pressure of his family, his work, and his disintegrating love life. He would hold her up under her regrets, under her sadness, and under the mirror, when looking upon her scars. Then Stabler jumped off and Olivia plummeted down fifty feet. For so long, because she had someone who loved and cared about her truly, she could handle adoption rejection. She could handle physical pain. She could even handle PTSD, the gnawing feeling in her heart that told her she was helpless, was held up by Stabler's everlasting ability to push her towards the future again. Olivia just wasn't the same. He gave her nothing back, not even a word. _I'm the longest relationship you've had with a man._ Knowing her, and knowing that, how could he leave her? How could he pull the rug under this fragile woman, and walk away without a word? Anger would rise in her bones but all she felt in the end was regret. What could she have done to make him stay? What could she have given? Her experience told her she was in bargaining, the third stage of grief and loss. But on that bathroom floor she was long past apologies. She was ready to say goodbye.

The new kids were still pretty naïve. They didn't replace any roles, they simply filled empty chairs. Rollins admired Olivia – that was clear. Liv laughed to herself when she wondered whether she was old enough for a protégée. She guessed she was. She never had a big problem with her age – except when it came to conceiving – and that dream had all but washed away with the wave of adoption forms that made their rest in the shredder. This squad room lifted her up, in a way. The high energy Amaro and the southern drawl of Rollins were constantly making her smile. Even Fin and Munch's squabbling managed to bring a laugh or two. This was her family. She felt she had made her nest in this place, as if this was her home, not the small apartment that stood in Queens. When Stabler left, however, it was like a piece of that home was ripped away. He was her best friend. Work husband. And damn near the love of her life. His voice pounded in her head most times. _We're partners, for better or worse_. She guessed time had taken its toll. She had spent enough time grieving. She wasn't going to walk a beat. And one hug from Alex wouldn't change that.


	2. Part 1 Chapter 2

"Alright, we got a twenty five year old female vic at Mercy getting glass shards picked out of her face. What have we got people?"

Cragen advanced into the work room with that familiar rush, drawing attention from not only ever detective, but every person in ear shot.

"Close to nothing," Munch remarked. "Shards of glass from the perfume bottle are being tested at the lab, but they're not promising anything. A mother's testimony on the way out of the hospital."

"Uh huh, and what did that sound like?" Cragen walked over to the refreshment table, pouring out a hot cup of coffee.

"It sounded like ol' moms didn't see a thing," Fin cut in. "She was too busy trying to cover the girl up. I guess the outfit was too revealing for her liking."

"But what is a girl doing breaking into a mall at four AM? Some kind of prank?" Rollins pondered.

"Maybe."

"That doesn't explain why she was in a miniskirt and some do-me heels." Fin replied.

"Regardless of what she was wearing, she is still our rape victim." Cragen reminded, making a face and pouring the entire pot of coffee down the work room drain.

"Hey hey hey!" Munch exclaimed "I put that coffee in there! I brought it from home."

"Well unless you live in a sewer, that is no excuse for this coffee," Cragen uttered.

Olivia chuckled and leaned back in her chair, listening to the repartee and getting lost in their words. For a minute, the aching inside of her heart began to simmer down. In that moment, it was almost forgotten. That is, until Alex caught the corner of her eye, strolling into the courtroom, her heels clacking on the floor. Olivia's demeanor was broken, and she was back to avoiding eye contact. She was embarrassed. That woman had taken her into her arms at her most vulnerable moment. She had held her up in a way that only Stabler ever had. She wasn't ready for a replacement co-captain. She also was getting used to a single life.

The air in the room noticeably changed, and in that the room turned to Alex. She hadn't been called, and her presence was usually accompanied by disappointment. That, or relief, and they hadn't been far enough in the case for her to be hanging around.

"Slow in the court house?" Fin shot on his way across the room, making a path away from Munch's desk.

"Yeah, I needed to get in some new air." It was a surface answer. She glanced over to Olivia, who didn't catch her eye.

A moment of silence, then Munch interjected, hating the tension.

"Well we don't have much for you. Girl breaks into mall, girl steals clothes, girl gets knocked over the head with a perfume bottle, and girl gets raped. Not much to go on. But while we have you here – what do you think about Ron Paul?"

"I think someone should put him down before he infects anyone else with his rambling nonsense."

"Ha!" Fin laughed, his hand on the receiver of his desk phone, following Munch with his eyes as he threw his hands up in disbelief.

Rollins and Amaro giggled as well, the tension breaking for them but remaining for Olivia.

"Come on Olivia, back me up."

"You're not going to get any help over here Munch." Olivia replied with a smile, playing off Alex's presence, lifting herself from her chair. "And on that note, I'm going to go see if Jessica is ready to talk. Hopefully she's rested enough to gather up her story."

It was a good excuse to avoid Alex. But Alex wasn't going to have it. In a swift motion, Olivia put on her coat, and gave a wave to the squad. Rollins stood up, grabbing her coat as well. "I'll tag along." It was a statement that didn't leave much room for refusal. Escaping to the hallway, Olivia walked quickly and in no time heard the rushed clacks of Alex's heels on the floor behind her. Then, rather briskly, Alex grabbed her by the arm, soft but demanding. And although Olivia's was significantly stronger and grounded than Alex, the urgency of her touch caused her to stop in her tracks. Rollins gave a passing glance, but continued to walk on. She may have been naïve, but she wasn't oblivious. She would wait for Olivia in the car.


	3. Part 1 Chapter 3

"Olivia…"

"Don't start Alex."

"You need time off."

"I need to work."

"Please…"

"What Alex? Okay what do you want?" Her tone was demanding, but hushed.

"I just want you to have a level head. You know. I don't want to have to see you get into trouble."

"Alex, I can handle this. I don't need you breathing down my back. Because next thing I know IAB is doing the same thing and then my badge goes along with it. Please. Let me do my job. It's all I have."

A sigh, then acceptance.

"Okay Olivia."

"Okay?"

"Alright."

(-)

It had been a long day. On Olivia's end, there was endless back and forth with the victim's mother, complaints about the family's image came into question more often than what seemed appropriate. Olivia wondered, while keying into her apartment and throwing off her belt, how someone who had been given the gift of a child could have such skewed priorities.

On Alex's end, there was a dirty cab and a long walk up, her heels digging into the fractured pavement. Her feet hurt and she was tired of doing paperwork, tired of seeing defense lawyers, and tired of seeing her boss. Everything ached in her body, begging for rest. She couldn't bring herself to lie down. She had a job to do.

Olivia's apartment was still in unrest. Papers and folders lie splayed on every flat surface, mostly from work. Empty DVD cases scattered on the floor, with their belonging DVDs stacked on the television. Everything was in disorder. Everything seemed so dirty. Even she felt dirty, after such a long day. She shrugged off the idea of straightening up, and meandered over to the bathroom, starting a bubble bath. As the water fell noisily from the faucet, she began removing her clothes. It wasn't her favorite part. She wasn't insecure. There were no stretch marks or dark spots or veins. She had been seen by a considerable amount of men. There were no complaints. She could never pinpoint her cringing, the hesitant way she felt when being in the nude. She was used to it, by now.

Stripped down and hair falling against the bare of her shoulders, she made a move to climb into the shower, but was interrupted by an insistent ringing. It was "Thank You", a song by Natalie Merchant that she had come to love. Swiping a towel off of the rack, Olivia walked over to the phone, saw the caller, and pressed ignore. She didn't feel like talking to Alex about this.

Even after the call went to voicemail, Alex's call persisted, almost screaming _"You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving…" _An annoyed Olivia continued to ignore her. What did she think? That she was trying to kill herself again?


	4. Part 1 Chapter 4

That's exactly what she thought. Alex's worry began to rise in her throat, calling again, and then finally pulling out her key and pushing in the door. She heard the sound of the shower, thinking that perhaps Olivia had turned it on to mask the sound of…other activities. She had seen too much in her line of work. She walked in brashly, not bothering to search around the corner. She ignored the mess and sifted through the papers. She barely made five steps before she was caught by a surprised glare.

And there she was, caramel skinned and tall, with her chestnut hair lying heavily on her glowing shoulders. Alex was – in a word – speechless. The initial feeling wasn't lust, but awe at her essence, of her beauty. Sweet brown eyes, soft pink lips, long, silk-like hair. Alex couldn't even feel jealousy; she was entrapped in her wonder, taking in the belle in the stark white towel.

"Alex, no." Liv had a smirk on her face. She wasn't amused, but she wasn't angry either. Alex was just trying to help her. She realized that now.

Alex managed to snap out of her daze long enough to utter "I-I'm sorry." Her mind told her to back away and towards the door, but her feet stayed put.

"It's okay Alex." Liv reassured. "I'm not going to eat my gun."

There wasn't much relief in her words, and Olivia could tell. She didn't want to burn a bridge. She liked Alex. A lot. She couldn't just let go of a friend.

"Go ahead and sit down," she offered. "I'll be out in a minute."

(-)

It seemed like hours before Olivia finished showering, getting dressed, and settling on the couch with Alex and a couple of cups of coffee. Alex had spent the mere fifteen minutes strolling the small apartment, observing pictures of Olivia from long ago, ones that featured her and Stabler together. It infuriated her to think that someone could leave her, that fragile woman, without a word. Somehow, for no reason that was apparent to Alex, it made it worse that he was a man. Always taking advantage, always being self-absorbed, thought Alex. She knew this was her past relationships talking. She couldn't help herself. Thirteen years perpetrating her true feelings for Olivia were taking their toll.

Olivia held those thirteen years in her eyes. The silence that hung over them made Alex's sipping noises sound like an earthquake. Hearing this, she placed the cup down and sighed.

"Olivia we need to talk."

"Alex I told you I'm not gonna-"

"As friends."

"What?"

"I haven't spoken to you much since I left for the Congo. I just wanted to talk as friends. You know, catch up."

"Uh. Okay." She shifted her place on the couch, going into listening mode. "Let's talk."


	5. Part 1 Chapter 5

"Let's talk about Cassidy." A smile crept across Alex's face. She knew the relationship didn't part on bad terms, or anything like that. But he was an interesting character, from what she had known of him. She hadn't really spoken to him since '99, when he was considerably younger.

Olivia chuckled just at the mention of him. "Ah, what about him…" Another smile, lips pressed together, holding in a laugh. "He was…interesting."

"Was he as colorful as I remember him?" Alex smiled.

"Maybe more," Olivia laughed "He grew…fruitier…over time."

"He's _gay_?" Alex asked, surprise in her voice.

This made Olivia laugh more. "No, no, no. It's just the only way I could describe him."

"Yeah, I'd like to place him in the 'lovable bum' archetype."

Laughs from both of them.

"Plus," Olivia added "I only dated one gay guy. It didn't turn out very well. For him, at least."

Alex smiled and studied her eyes as she joked. She felt warm inside seeing Liv quip about a case. The case they were referring to featured her former lover who had been killed by a gay man, who was the member of a 'DL' underground gay sex group.

"Must have been glad you jumped out of that building before it burned, huh?" Alex jeered.

"Ha, no kidding." Olivia agreed with a smile.

Their laughter simmered a bit, giving them a chance to reflect on the moment. Olivia's mood had lightened significantly. Something about the way her blonde hair fell as she moved, or as her blue eyes twinkled when she laughed. _Or maybe I just need some comic relief,_ thought Olivia. She wasn't a lesbian. Despite Babs Duffy, despite that dance coach, and despite every assumption about her sexuality – she wasn't a lesbian. She felt sexual desire towards men. But the way she felt towards Alex wouldn't dare be ignored.

"I never really asked you about the Congo." Olivia finally remarked, after a minute of recovery.

"It was…very rewarding." It wasn't a lie. Alex had experienced more there than she had in her entire lifetime. It was there that she felt the most selfish, the most consumed by her first world problems. She had watched children fighting for their lives with every bone in their body. She had to escape before _it_ consumed _her_. _Another selfish move, _she thought.


	6. Part 1 Chapter 6

"You get better." Olivia said, noticing the thoughts swimming in her eyes.

"What?"

"You get better at dealing with it all. Seeing the victims day after day. Seeing the children, with no viable sin, treated like dirt. It doesn't get any easier, but you do get better."

"So would you."

"Oh Alex…here we go…"

"No Olivia, your right. You do get better. You get stronger and smarter and quicker. You especially. You are the voice for the voiceless. You stand up when everyone else refuses. You have the most courage, sweetness, and bad-ass material I have ever seen in a single human woman. You get so much better everyday Liv. You and I both know it's true."

"Yeah." Olivia offered. It wasn't much. But she was listening.

Alex fought with herself about hugging her, so she pushed her hand across the couch instead. Her hand met Olivia's and held it. She hoped it wasn't too forward, friends hold hands. _Right?_

Olivia didn't make eye contact, but she didn't pull back. Her eyes seemed to search for something to say, something to break free from the vulnerability and retreat back into her shell. She had been hurt too many times. Even in a relationship that she thought would never die. She was naïve before, she admits to herself. But does that necessarily kill all hope?

"You know," Olivia stepped out on a ledge. "I didn't think it would get better when you left."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, when you left," She looked down from the ledge "I was…upset. Those late night Chinese food runs and joking in the squad room had become more to me…I guess."

"More?"

"Yes. Much more. I…missed you. A lot. When you told me you were leaving again I was hurt. As if you were doing it to me, a crime against me. I knew that wasn't right. I knew it wasn't fair to be angry at you. But at that point I didn't really care. You grew on me Alex. And your still here. And I spend a lot more time thinking about you. Thinking about how we could…be. I could be with you, Alex. And I could be happy."

She jumped.

(If you made it this far, thanks a whole lot! Reviews are completely welcome.)


	7. Part 2 Chapter 1 Dreaming

She woke with a collarbone pressing lightly under the beds of her fingers. Her eyes blinked open slowly, lying sideways on unfamiliar space, wrapped scarcely under the cloak of thin sheets. There was movement, and then a sigh. She dragged her gaze over to almond skin, smoothed with a luster, and a delicate face wrapped in chestnut hair. Her legs were grazing skin as well, and she felt her body curled against another. As she came to function better, the drowsiness draining her body, she lifted herself up in the bed. Yawning, she glanced at the window. It was…daytime. The sun reflected brightly off the white sheets, illuminating the room. A chill hit her body and she hurried to cover her nakedness from the breeze, pulling up the sheets to canvas her bare breasts. She gasped. How could she have not realized she was…naked? A glance around the room lacked its usual familiarity. She wasn't in her apartment.

She was suddenly struck with knowledge as her senses reformed. She was in Olivia's apartment. She was in Olivia's bed, and she was in Olivia's arms. How did she get there? What happened? Those questions were soon overpowered by Alex's intense desire. Her body against Olivia's bare skin sent electrical currents up her spine and rattled her brain. Words dripped into her mind and rolled off her lips, but no sound emitted. There was nothing to say. After all, she had talked for years. Thirteen years of mindless chatter and wandering eyes. Her voice had been ingrained inside of Alex's mind. What she needed now was the physical, the finalizing kiss, the recognition. _I'm here, Olivia. For years and years. I've been here. _She was in bed with her. She had to see it now. She had to recognize Alex's presence, look her in the eyes and confess. She said she _could_ be happy. The uncertainty was still in her eyes. She was in bed with her now. She _had_ to see it.

Alex turned back over to Olivia, the blanket covering her chest and wrapping under her back, leaving her stomach exposed. No visible breath. The remainder of the sheets covered over her hips, but left the majority of her legs bare. Her skin was perfection. Her everything was perfection. Alex had wondered if her doting was worth the ache, if the ends justified the means, she analyzed everything like an ADA. She was constantly skeptical, in a perpetual state of worry about her feelings. Somehow, staring at the full bodied silhouette of this woman, she was emptied of all inhibitions. Female beauty, soft at the edges and ebbing with strength at the core, it was all new to her. But Alex had no fear. Olivia had chosen her.

Alex's hands reached up and pulled strands of Olivia's hair from her face. No visible movement. More lightning. Sparks shot through her body and channeled into her stomach…and a bit further south. She wondered about round two, quite crassly. She didn't deny identifying as a sexual being. Especially in this certain detective's presence. Soft hips, a perfect breast swell, deep tawny eyes. Alex indulged in every curve. Thirteen years of pent up sexual energy. It was time for Olivia to wake up.

A kiss on the cheek, a graze of the arm, a light shake of the shoulder, and no response. Alex smiled.

_A hard sleeper_. These small qualities were endearing.

A sudden heaviness drifted over Alex, a slight premonition. She couldn't trace it. She tried again. Her disbelief had channeled into courage. A kiss on the cheek, a squeeze of the arm, a shake of the shoulder.

Nothing.

"Olivia?" She repeated her name over and over, until she realized that the words were simply harsh, inaudible wheezes. Panic rose in her throat. She wouldn't move. _Why won't she move? _

"Olivia!"

Alex pulled her from her side, laying her on her back. Olivia was like a ragdoll, and it turned her stomach. Alex's eyes began to water. _I love you Olivia._ She had never even gotten to say it. She never got to give her what she needed. There was so much uncertainty. She needed the time to prove herself. But Olivia's eyes were closed and her face was pale. The light drained from the room and the color dissolved from Alex's face.

"Olivia? Olivia?"

_I could be happy._

Now she would never know.


	8. Part 2 Chapter 2

Alex woke up with fireworks in her chest. Her ribs heaved up and down, the fear still pumping through her veins. She glanced over at the alarm clock, 3:30 AM.

She wasn't going to get back to sleep. Rain crashed like cymbals against her bedroom window.

"Shit."

She had left the living room window cracked open. After living under witness protection, losing her mother, and leading a relationship under a false life, she would never again take the sounds of the city for granted. It was going to cost her a rug.

Allowing her eyes to adjust, the darkness was focused into breaking with little slivers of light. She trudged a few steps to her living room, her pajama bottoms shuffling with her movement. The rain continued to crash without mercy. The floor was soaked.

Alex yanked the lamp on and set on the floor with a mop. She wasn't surprised to see the blue light on her Blackberry blinking on the coffee table. She had fallen asleep pretty early – well, early for her. Twelve wasn't her usual late night. She expected a full inbox and a couple voicemails. SVU had a particularly jarring case – one that centered from a decided hate crime. Tonight was different from her drown-in-novellas-until-you-pass-out regimen. The swift kick in the ass from Olivia might have been the trick.

_I could be with you, Alex._

_I could be happy._

What a croc of shit. Not two minutes after that did she usher Alex out before she could get a word in.

_I'm sorry Alex. I'm…confused right now._

Was that supposed to be a forgive all? Alex knew she was hurt. She saw her at her most vulnerable, recovering from an Ambien and whiskey cocktail. What did she expect of her? Especially now. It was a small move, but it was a move all in all. The anger was subdued by a fear. She saw Olivia at her highs and lows, battling through cases and comforting victims. What about Olivia? It seemed like everyone was detached, they stood at an arm's length. Even the squad seemed to stand at a distance and watch her crumble. And Stabler. He was the game changer. He was the one she needed the most and he was the furthest away. Alex saw the emptiness. It was her opportunity, in the most benign way possible, to be the determining factor in Olivia's life. She wanted her here. And after that nightmare…

Alex shook it from her head. Olivia was alive. That was all that mattered.

She sat on the floor with paper towel and sopped up the rest of the rainwater, all while scrolling through the messages on her phone. One dinner reminder. Two coworkers, most likely for legal advice. None from Olivia.

This was disappointing. Sure, Olivia kicked _her_ out. She could have reacted better, maybe talked her into talking. The words just weren't there.

_Fill me in on the case, when you're ready._

Looking back, it was the right thing to say. She wasn't ready to acknowledge anything. _How do I know what she meant?_ Alex thought. _Maybe she just wants to be good friends_. The nervous way that she shoved her through the door of her apartment told Alex differently. She felt like she needed to say something, to break the coldness. She felt too close to a breakthrough. Seeing this side of Olivia didn't repulse her, it didn't scare her. This woman was a miraculous cluster of complexity. She deserved someone who knew.

There was a message from the DA. She didn't have to hear his voice to know his hesitance. She had been…slipping. Her hard-ass, no nonsense personality had been dampened by her turmoil with this woman. She lost her edge. She even lost focus in the courtroom, and was cut off by Donnelly in the The State of New York v Kedger trial.

_I'm sorry counselor. Should we address this trial on a day that's more convenient for you?_

She had to get back to herself. She was going to lose her mind over Olivia, and she would be damned if she lost her job. She had acquired so much skill over the years, made too many contacts, nearly lost her place on the bar twice. She had to get back in the comfort of her stiff tone. She missed being called a bitch. She would be going back…right after she called Olivia.


	9. Part 2 Chapter 3

She wasn't planning on talking to her, just leaving a message. It was hard talking to her, especially now. She thought a good game of phone tag would soften Olivia. She just wanted to be…right with her. This shaky relationship had dissolved their friendship to a thin line. It was all or nothing, she could only move forward. Lights low and curled up on the couch, she dialed Olivia's number, and the rain persisted at the same speed and anger as several hours before. She placed it on loud speaker and pulled out copies of the squads most recent DD5, delivered by Amaro, after a frenzied shootout in a public park that left two gay rights activists dead.

"Hello?"

_Oh, shit._

"Hello?" muffled voices in the background told her that Olivia was still in the squad room. She had been there all day.

Alex shifted in her place, shuffling the papers between her fingers, searching for something to say.

"Ah, um. The case. The case…why didn't you update me? It sounds like your still on duty."

"Alex…"

"What?"

"I, uh. Well we know the boys who were killed in the riot. We have three suspects, but we can only base that on witness testimony."

A muffled voice in the background, a back and forth between Olivia and a man. Alex remembered the voice.

"Is that Barba?"

"What?"

"Is that Barba? In the background…"

"Um. Yes. We needed a legal edge and we figured…you were sleeping and-"

"Look, its okay. You reserve the right to consult legal counsel."

Legal consultation. Since when has her advice not been worth waking her up? _Like Barba was awake at 3 AM. What a croc. That fast talking, stubby, overzealous di-_

"Look Alex I'm working on three hours right now and I really need to – uh huh okay Fin – I need to find these dirt bags before they skip town."

"Fine."

"You can, um, call me tonight, okay?"

"…"

"Alex?"

"Okay."

It was a promise.

(o)(o)(o)(o)

Olivia had pulled an all-nighter. Three hours in the crib and she was back at her desk, searching through profiles and writing up connections. Even now, after the squad room had been equipped with hi-tech computers and phones, she still felt security in a pencil and a sheet of paper. It amused her to remember her and her partner writing case information in small notebooks, tracking the city on foot. She always felt a certain security in her work, overall. Thirteen years had passed and there were new presidents, new trends, and new technology. And yet nothing at changed. There were still rapists; there were still victims, testimonies, statements, witnesses, and procedures. And although nothing had seemed to improve, nothing was really hopeless either. Her job would be there forever. She imagined herself becoming a Munch, working the job until she was forced out. It didn't seem as sad, from where she stood. It was in constant motion, and she had to move to remain sane.

Pouring up a cup of coffee, she surveyed the work room at its eight AM squalor. Munch and Fin were on the job, on foot, somewhere in the Upper East Side. Amaro was taking a call, Cragen in office, and Rollins pretending to work while idly playing with a pen. It was a slow case. Little to no witnesses, scarce statements, unreliable information – they were going on a thin line. It was Amaro's persistence that kept the case afloat. The unit had about seven other cases pending, but they were open and shut. Her late night didn't yield much, but she knew it wouldn't. Just something to get out of that apartment.

She figured she ought to get some rest anyways, as she was still skating on three hours, and she was sure she had pissed Alex off well enough for an apology. She would deal with that situation later, when her thoughts weren't as jumbled in her head. There was something about Alex that shot a spark through her, compelling her to say things she would never say. She had softened around Alex, and noticed that she did the same, considerably, as opposed to her usual rigid attitude. She admitted straying from the company of Alex partly because of fear, and partly because she convinced herself that no self-respecting, old money D.A would enjoy the companionship of a detective. It was a prejudiced way to think, she knew. But Stabler felt that way, so she found herself falling into a trap. She built so much of her life around him; she didn't know how to function. She didn't want to think about him. She just wanted to sleep.

Coat in hand and partly out of the door, her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket, restoring her once again back into reality. It was Fin, urging her to the Upper East Side. She did have the lead in this case. In all high profile cases, in fact. Her privilege of seniority was really paying off, it was aiding in her distraction. She would have to thank Cragen later.

Wading through rain puddles and potholes, Olivia pulled up to the crime scene, which was dotted by CSU and the M.E with her assistants. No lights flashed and the traffic was slim, an off road that split into a cross-section, connected by an alley. In that alley, covered nearly completely by sunlight, was a young African-American man, sprawled out on the ground like road kill, a gash in his forehead and blood stained on his lip. Fin stood over him, speaking to a couple unies – one old and one young – whose disgust showed in his pale face. Olivia weaved through the small crowd, not needing to flash her badge, and stopped adjacent from Fin. He looked up at her from his conversation, exasperated. The kid cop was nervously talking his ear off.

"We, uh, we were just doing patrol. Then I uh, I saw his foot from the road hanging out of the alleyway. He was just limp and uh-" He faked control over the situation, but his anxiety shone through.

Olivia intercepted. Fin wasn't good with kids.

"If you want to move along, we've got it from here." She gave him an understanding smile. The kid took the invitation and scurried away quickly, not daring another glimpse of the body. The older man followed after grudgingly, after giving the detectives a look that fully conveyed his annoyance. _New partner,_ Olivia thought, stifling a smile. _That's never easy_.

The unies departed and Fin shook his head while gazing down at the body. "It's too early for this."

"I'll say. Time of death?"

"No rigor, M.E says it looks just over an hour."

Pulling gloves onto her hands, she rifled through his pockets.

"David Sattler, 25. Lives in the Upper East Side – killed at home."

"Yeah it looks like blunt force trauma, CSU found a baseball bat in two behind the dumpster. Hit 'em so hard it cracked the thing in half."

Olivia surveyed the scene once again, crouching to the body, searching for something to link it to her case. She stood up again.

"Ah, different MO, different location, different gender. It doesn't seem to be brutal. What's the connection?"

"Well it's small, but it's something. They were in the same study group. They would meet in the Hudson Library."

"Okay, a judge would rule that circumstantial, so I'm not seeing any warrants coming our way."

"Ah, but you're not seeing the full picture, Liv." His sly look followed his full handed sideways rotation of the victim, turning him on his side, and revealing a large blood stain circling the back of his pants.

"Anal rape?"

"That's what it looks like."

"But the blood is dry, and none pooled on the street."

"I don't think he was killed here."

Olivia looked at him in disbelief.

"So you're saying that in the hour and a half after the killer raped and murdered him, he dropped him on the street in broad daylight? That's barely enough time to get from here to the squad."

"Must've been close."

"That sounds impulsive to me." Her phone buzzed again, and a message flashed across the screen as she pulled the glove from her hand.

_Let me take you to dinner._

Alex knew it was a stretch. There was such a mix of emotions between them at this point, the most operative being confusion. But Alex needed to settle the air. She didn't want this to cost her place in SVU, her work relationships, and especially not what she and Olivia had that night. That spark. She was going to call later, but she knew Olivia's schedule. It would be better to set a time, some structure. Things had been going haywire over the past couple of years.

Olivia took it as a compliment. Alex was interested in her, sincerely. And she did say that she could be with Alex. What did I even mean by that? Freudian slip, she guessed. Saying what was really on her mind when her brain knew better. Her feelings for Alex were so hard to decode. She didn't know whether she wanted to be her – that brilliant, perseverant, porcelain-skinned beauty – or be with her, which was an entirely different matter in its own. Sexuality wasn't easy for Olivia, especially in her line of work. It was easier to play the safe side, where she knew she would come out alive. The strange thing was, since Alex had vaguely confessed her admiration, Olivia didn't feel that the four walls were closing in as fast. There was some pause in her thinking. There was a person in her life that wanted to figure her out.

_Tonight?_

_Yes._

_I'm free at eight._

Just like that, Olivia was head bound into another situation. She was going to go on a date with her _lesbian lover_ and everything was going to be normal. It was all a bit funny to her. Who knew she was going to be a lesbian after all these years? She didn't want to fool herself. The situation was serious. This woman had come to her aide after an attempted suicide and has still stuck around after Olivia's obvious hints to get lost. She wasn't going to lose herself in the idea. Friends help friends when they're in tight spots. Maybe this friend just got a little carried away.


	10. Part 2 Chapter 4

Alex sauntered into Olivia's apartment, her mauve dress gleaming into focus as Olivia clicked on the lights and shut the door behind them. Dinner at Pellegrino's was hardly quiet, and most certainly not solemn. The conversation had picked up quickly when Alex mentioned her past lust to be a cop, which intrigued Olivia, as she could never imagine a woman like her doing such a dirty job. The conversation transitioned from cops to money to current news to TV. Alex expressed her guilty pleasure, which happened to be soap operas, particularly one called 'All My Children', which had been running for fifty years. Not one word was said about two nights before, where they had a private soap opera of their own, quietly professing each other's occasional longing for the other's companionship. The awkward looks had ceased, and they looked like a couple. So much so that the waiter referred to them as a pair, all while handing them a single check, which Olivia paid, despite Alex's protest.

Going home with Olivia, but not coming up to her apartment, was Alex's plan. Olivia had driven them there from her apartment, but when they came back, Olivia asked if she wanted to just talk over coffee, as they hadn't in years. Being admittedly tipsy and anxious to spend time with her, Alex agreed. The nightmare flashed in her mind, but then was washed away as she plopped on the couch with Olivia, as the coffee brewed and she clicked on the TV. _It's a casual night_, Olivia persuaded herself. Even Alex wasn't buying it. Olivia offered Alex to take her jacket off and relax, and Alex complied. Soon they were lounging on the couch, without the burden of the courts or the victims, breathing in still air.

"I should have taken your offer." Alex said abruptly.

"What?" Olivia met her gaze.

"Before witness protection, while things were starting to get hectic. Before my fake funeral. You offered to take me in, and I said no. I should have taken it."

"Why, so you can get to first base sooner?" the comment was supplied with a smirk.

Alex was taken aback by her words, and it showed through the blush on her face.

"I'm sorry," Olivia chuckled lightly "I just want to get it out there. We're adults Alex. We can't just forget what happened and I know that."

"I'm not rushing you, Olivia."

"I know that." Olivia shifted in her place, to face her better. "I just…I was overwhelmed."

"That night."

"Yeah, when I tried to – you know. I don't feel so intensely anymore. I'm coping." She offered a smile, Alex wasn't buying. _Was she trying to blow off the other night? Was this her excuse for saying what she said?_

"Olivia, for you to have gotten to that point…it says something." Alex danced around her words. She didn't want to anger her.

"Alex…I know."

"I don't think you do." Alex couldn't believe how fast they got back to that night. She decided to ride it. Maybe she would get somewhere. "Olivia, you have been portraying such a strong woman. And you are strong. But everyone has their limits. You reached yours. It's time for you to start looking at the facts and building yourself back up from there."

A sigh, which Alex recognized as dismissal. She wasn't going to let it go that easily.

"Alex, I…"

"Olivia. I know you hate it." She lightly touched the detective's arm. "But you're a victim."

_Not again_, Olivia thought, in the back of her mind. _Not again_. She had just gotten past it, just stopped letting it control her thoughts. She couldn't let Olivia Benson, the victim, resurface. It put her in a place of vulnerability she never wanted to be again. And yet Alex saw her at her most vulnerable. She was the only one who would know the desperation she held on that bathroom floor. She admitted that she needed someone. She wouldn't admit to being a victim. Not again.

Alex knew.

"Olivia…you don't have to face everything a detective. It's okay to accept weakness. It keeps you sane."

Olivia's eyes were glued to the coffee table, hiding her embarrassment from the A.D.A. She had stepped blatantly onto witness stands, beat perps down with her bare hands, and shot with precision and without remorse. But here she was, welling with tears in front of a counselor. She stopped the tears from falling and finally met the A.D.A's eye line, which was soft and spun blue like the Hudson River.

"Thank you, Alex."

_Another step forward_. Alex offered a hug, friendly in nature, which Olivia accepted. It was quick, without lingering, but it sent the message. There still wasn't anything inherently sexual, nothing reportedly lesbian, nothing from the storybook version of falling in love. Nonetheless, there was still a spark. Something that shot through the both of them and emptied their inhibitions, filling their brains with enamored electric signals that pooled in their bodies. There is something all too real about a friendship that grows out of tragedy. It is a reminding factor, a memo from God that urges us to keep moving. Everything is a learning process.

"I never let you finish," Olivia reminded. "About staying with me."

"I would have never gotten shot." Alex quipped without thinking, resulting in a laugh from both of them.

"Then you wouldn't be with me today." Olivia smiled, the solemn thoughts being forced into the background.

"Who knows? I might've gotten to you somehow." Alex smiled in return.

"Or Casey would have gotten to me first." Olivia laughed, and as did Alex. These jokes were nice. Alex could feel the pit in her stomach - that had been growing for two nights – wean away. They felt good.

"Or Barba. If he wore platform shoes."

That felt even better.


	11. Part 2 Chapter 5

A few more chunks of conversation, a moment watching television, and Alex was exhausted. A blanket had been pulled over her sometime during their talk, she couldn't recollect, as the night became a blur. The alcohol mixed with the day's running had worn her thin. Not to mention the gnawing of that nightmare in her head. Olivia saw her exhaustion, and decided amongst herself that Alex would stay there, knowledge that Alex was only informed of as she was ushered to Olivia's bed.

"You sleep in here, I'm going to hit the couch." It wasn't _that_ good of a night.

There was no room for protest and Alex settled into Olivia's sheets, which were not white, in contrast to her nightmare. That made things better. The lights were clicked and the door was shut, and immediately Alex fell into a sleepy stupor. She thanked God she didn't snore or sleepwalk (that she was aware of) and she basked in the scent of Olivia's bedroom, which comforted her.

Not two minutes after she heard Olivia settle on the couch, however, did she hear a familiar buzzing and then a shifting of blankets. She heard movement, then a grazing as if someone was putting on clothes. Olivia was leaving for work. There had been a murder, this was apparent in the speed that she pranced nearly silently through the living room and out the door. Alex checked the time, which read 12:25 PM. _Too late to go after her_, Alex decided. _If they need legal help, they'll get Barba_. She was no longer bitter.

Unfortunately, as the apartment settled and Alex resumed her race to slumber, she was held awake. There was so much security in having another person's presence again. And now she couldn't fall asleep.

She waited for what seemed like hours for her sleep to return, tossing and turning around the bed to find a comfortable position. 12:45, 12:55, 1 AM. She eventually got up to walk around the apartment, in an attempt to tire herself. She waded through the darkness of the bedroom, sliding her hand against the wall to find the switch, and doing this until she gave up. Instead she worked her way outside of the bedroom, adjusting her eyes to the darkness and just now noticing the condition of the apartment. Olivia had cleaned up nicely, since she last saw the place.

She walked around the couch until dizziness set in, and stubbed her toe against the side table. Struck by pain and annoyance she sat on the couch to nurse her throbbing foot while also looking around for something else that might bide her time, while waiting to fall asleep. No books or magazines, which figured. No little trinkets and barely any photos. Alex even attempted to turn on the television, but was bombarded by loud static when she couldn't find the remote for the cable box. Screw it. Searching for something to make her tired had in turn made her tired, so that worked for her. She began to saunter back to Olivia's bedroom when she heard a knock on the door.

Alarm shot through her body initially, and then fear. She had known Olivia to have had some less than amiable visitors in her lifetime, sometimes perps who never got to settle the score. Instinctively, Alex scrambled to the kitchen and plucked out a butcher knife, whose handle was covered in hard plastic from the manufacturer, like it had never been used. She crept over to the doorway, where the peephole had been impractically placed at a high level, like it was made for an NBA player. She debated whether or not to open the door, then decided for it, and placed the chain on the door.

She twisted the doors handle and pulled it open slowly, looking quickly as her fear turned into shock and then succumbed into a suppressed anger. Her face turned stoic and she closed the door again, unhooking the chain and standing in the doorway without fear. Her eyes rested forward at the figure in front of her.

"Hello, Detective Stabler."


	12. Part 3 Chapter 1 Motive

He didn't look good. It wasn't a polite disheveled, one that required just a few more hours of sleep or a shave. By first glance, his appearance provoked an immediate reaction, one that couldn't be shaken off or hidden. Alex almost audibly gasped, after unlocking the chain and taking in this figure, a figure in all black, a shadow. A shadow of Olivia, as far as Alex was concerned, and nothing more. From head to toe, he radiated desperation and unfiltered, uncensored exhaustion. Bloodshot eyes complete with bags and discolored skin. Dry lips and thinning hair that wisped around his head like a cyclone. It would have been humorous to Alex, if it wasn't so frightening. A shadow that reminded Alex what Olivia could have been. He noticed her taking him in, analyzing and judging him, like an attorney. His annoyance, however, was stifled by his surprise.

Elliot took a good once over of Alex. She was no beauty queen, he thought. A thin, pale figure in a crumpled mauve dress and unkempt blonde hairs that frayed in every direction. Her eyes stared icy craters into his face, and his annoyance grew as she stood so sturdily in the doorway, implying her dominance. She looked better than him, he realized. She was more successful, she made more money, and she still had her credit with the squad. All of this was painful. Not as painful, of course, as her presence in the doorway of Olivia's apartment. There were many ways that he could interpret the situation. All of which scenarios seemed unsavory to Elliot. The slightest idea of a replacement, or even a stand-in, rang upsetting in Elliot's ears. He couldn't help but feel a small selfish right towards Olivia, as if time had bound them. There was no other love like the one between them. It was a good excuse to hold his place again. Every part of him seemed to have crumbled and withered away. Olivia always had a way of fixing things, especially when it came to him. That had to mean something. That was, after all, the reason he was at her doorway, staring into unexpected eyes.

"Uh, hey Alex. How are you doing?" It was better than what he wanted to say, but they both knew the real question. _What are you doing here?_

"Oh, great. Yeah, Olivia asked me to stay the night." Hubris. She could taste it on her tongue, as bittersweet as ever. She didn't mean for it to come out as it did. But damn, did it feel good.

"Oh…good. Well is she here?"

"No, she isn't."

"Well, where is she?"

"I…uh…" she pondered withholding Olivia's location. She thought Olivia would not want to see him. Alex didn't want her to see him. She sure as hell didn't want him crashing into the squad again, a shipwreck struggling back to the docks. His patience was wearing thin.

"Alex, I need to talk to her."

"I don't know Elliot."

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "You don't know where she is?"

"I don't think she would want you there."

Elliot scoffed a bit, halfway expecting her to reveal her joke. He analyzed Alex's face for a tell. Her face was stoic, and serious. Since when did she speak for Olivia? When her face didn't break, and she didn't follow up her sentence with an explanation, the anger began to rise. He had come a long way, and it was to see Olivia. Not to hear Alex ponder about what Olivia wanted.

"Look, Alex, I need to talk to her."

"I understand that."

"Do you? Maybe I need to help you out a little. This is serious."

His words bit condescendingly, which was classic Elliot.

"That's nice."

"Alex –"

"She's going through a lot right now Elliot. She needs to calm down and just think. You might overexcite her."

What would she know?

"With all due respect counselor, it's not really your business."

"Given the circumstances I think it is."

"The circumstances?"

"Yes."

His frustration boiled, too tired and too desperate to play twenty questions.

"Alex would you cut the crap and talk to me?"

"Look Elliot, I said what I needed to say. She's not here."

"You think I don't know she's at work? Its four am on a weekday. Come on Alex."

"Then what are you doing here?" It came out harsh, but she didn't bother correcting it.

"You know what? I'd like to know the same thing."

"She's not here Elliot." She repeated again. _Just leave_, Alex thought, _while your dignity is still partially intact._

A sigh of frustration, then resignation.

"I'm going to wait for her."

"Here?"

"No, in Central Park. Yes here."

She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm and was suddenly taken aback by his urge to enter the apartment. He didn't dare touch her, but his aura alone caused a subconscious action to move back. Alex nearly scowled at his forwardness.

"Come on. Come on, move." He waved his hand at the last sentence, as if brushing her off as he entered Olivia's apartment. He waltzed in to this familiar space, every piece of furniture as he had last seen it. Nothing improved and nothing destroyed. Good ol' constant Olivia.


	13. Part 3 Chapter 2

Alex grudgingly closed the door behind him, reattaching the chain and watching his movements as he surveyed the apartment, as if he was a soldier returning home.

"Elliot this is…inappropriate." She settled onto the couch.

His head swiveled around and he scoffed.

"You're a counselor sleeping in the bed of a lead detective and I'm being inappropriate?"

He shook his head in disbelief, unremorseful of his snaps, the green monster trapping in his throat. The counselor had nothing to say. After all, he was right. Within the mix of emotions she had not stopped to consider the issues of professionalism in her and Olivia's relationship. Then again, why should she have? She wasn't even sure it was a relationship, for it certainly didn't resemble that of what she was used to. The ideas of setting off to the Bahamas with Olivia in one hand and an engagement ring in the other were far-fetched, at best. However, the ideas of her losing her composure, her credit, and her career due to emotional turmoil seemed almost too real. There was a side of her that proclaimed love as the highest priority, drowning out the fears of retribution and insanity. She hardly knew how to keep this side quiet, as many times she had found herself lying herself upon the altar in hopes that Olivia would recognize her sacrifice. In all realistic terms, however, Olivia was the only deciding factor in their situation. Alex had found herself relishing at her own lack of control.

She would be damned, nevertheless, if Elliot had a mind to assume that control.

"You want some coffee?" she asked, and with that Elliot looked up from his photo gazing and nodded complacently. The mood had simmered a bit. After all, neither of their motives were righteous on their own. Alex knew that Elliot was hurt and in search of shelter, perhaps even forgiveness. And Elliot knew Alex's constant need for redemption, which went unseen by the naked eye, but with close inspection, shone in an obvious light. Alex wanted Olivia to get better, this was not doubtful. However her motives didn't stray far from that of Elliot's. What had he really done to deserve her hatred?

Alex advanced from the couch to the kitchen, searching through the cabinets for Olivia's coffee, the signature drug store brand. The coffee brewed and Elliot settled on the couch, pulling off his cloak and setting it on the side table. The apartment still smelled the same, of a dark musk vanilla and cinnamon, a scent Olivia always managed to maintain, despite her busy nights between homes. He never mentioned to her how her scent always arrived before she did, never failing to brighten his mood.

Alex noticed this scent as well. It reminded her of off nights in the squadroom, talking emptily about closed cases. Alex would be hanging around after her work was done, and watching Olivia act out scenes through her hands, in full attention from the squad. It reminded her of the longing she felt, not only for Olivia, but for this uncanny group of misfits, with the most unexpected coordination and dynamic. She wanted to be a part of something, a quarter of a whole, supported by a network of colleagues that morphed into friends. Olivia, as an entire person, was not only herself or her experiences. She was the squad, she was the cases, and Alex couldn't help but attach Olivia's persona with the bustling antics of the squad, and the extraordinarily ordinariness of everyday human interactions.

Stabler had less appreciation for the little things. The colorful antics of the squad, sure. But he had less time to sit and look at the bigger picture, and in the midst of life, the only inherently beautiful figure stood out from his everyday life. He loved his kids, and his ex-wife, but nothing more had satisfied him like Olivia's genuine smile. It seemed that the closer to his departure they neared, the less smiles that he saw. And with that he no longer struggled to take them for granted. Although, in the grand scheme of things, he had done just that.

Cradling a cup of coffee delivered by Alex, Elliot pursued his thoughts with a dreamy silence. Alex was the one fidgeting, picking her cup up and down again, and shifting in her seat. Elliot had admittedly made her nervous. After all, he was Olivia's partner, for better or worse. Alex had never seen the raw of their relationship, and she could only imagine. Through the long stares, unnecessary physical contact, and undercover gigs, Alex felt in danger of being the rebound. But Olivia had attempted suicide. It wasn't a call for Alex specifically. It could have been, by all means, a call to Elliot.

Alex feared for Olivia the most. Who knew what emotional dependence on Elliot could result in? She had thought she saw the worst of it. Maybe she was wrong.


	14. Part 3 Chapter 3

Olivia perused the hallway of her complex, wary of the woman that lay in her bed, at this very moment. It had been a while since she had anyone in her apartment, much less her bed, and especially not a female. It had just occurred to her that Alex hadn't even left the key, which made her chuckle. The same stubborn ADA with a motive in mind. Olivia hadn't the time to question that motive. There were much more pertinent things at hand.

Like, for instance, lesbianism. Now, she had to admit in the bouts of sexual frustration in adolescence and her early twenties, she was extremely vulnerable to experimentation. Now, where she was nearly pushing fifty, she was a bit more set in her ways. She needed to be constant in her field. Except her field easily became her life. It wasn't what she wanted, at first. She didn't want to become her job. Somehow, it just happened. She knew that eventually, she would no longer be able to chase suspects and push them roughly into submission. She would get old, and on that day, she would no longer be upheld by constant late nights drinking bad coffee and shuffling through endless paperwork. It would be her and her loneliness, locked inside a small apartment. These were the thoughts that opened her up to possibilities she never fathomed. Even the thought of Alex, with her dress hiked up her legs, sleeping in Olivia's bed.

Blaming it on her loneliness was a good cover, at least. The feelings that radiated beneath her holster weren't as easy to explain.

Before she could twist the key, Olivia heard an unusual chatter from behind her door. By reflex, her hand fell to her waist and fingered the handle of her gun. Her handle on her gun, she creaked the door open, ready to threaten whoever decided to drop by. The voices became clearer the closer she came.

"How could you have known that?" She overhead Alex's voice in an angered tone.

"Don't worry about it." A familiar put-off maneuver, and Olivia recognized it. It couldn't have been…

"How did you know?" It was a demand.

"Listen-"Stabler's sentence was caught at the cusp as the two turned their head to a startled Olivia.

"El…" Olivia started. She didn't know how to finish.

"Liv…" They both started, and Elliot shot a look at Alex, in which she returned in the same hostility.

"Liv…" Elliot continued standing up after placing his empty cup on the table. "We need to talk."

Olivia stood speechless at the sight of her former partner. He looked terrible. She had wished once, and then scolded herself quickly, that he would feel the regret of leaving her like that. Now she cursed her words even more. If regret had a face, it would be him.

But he still had a hold on her. Every touch and every movement he made was reciprocated by her for 12 years. So when he made a move to usher her out of the door, she just walked with him. The power of a partner to always stay in sync.

So Olivia watched Alex's perplexed expression as she was lead outside, and could only muster a sigh when the door closed shut and his questions started rolling in.

"Olivia…" It felt good to say her name again. "Are you okay?"

"Elliot, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here, Olivia. What happened?"

"What are you talking about, El?"

And just like that, right back into the swing of things. Anger should have been her first reaction. She told herself over and over again what she would say to him if she saw him again. How she would show him how good she was doing. But she wasn't, and he wasn't. They were a mess. Still in sync.

In sync, but not telepathic. She couldn't help but wonder what he was really doing here. What happened? _You left me, that's what happened_. He couldn't have been talking about the other night. How could he have known?

"You know what I'm talking about."

"What?"

"I heard it Olivia….I heard."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Come on, Liv. That night."

She ran one hand back through her hair. That night? No one knew about that night. It was between her and Alex. Alex wouldn't tell Elliot. Olivia knew that for a fact. There was always a degree of hostility between them that she couldn't quite name.

Then again, if he did know, she wanted him to say it. You attempted suicide. It wouldn't feel good to either of them. But maybe then he would know his influence on her. Maybe he would know how she needed him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You…the other night."

"What, Elliot?"

"You tried to kill yourself."

There it was, and as horribly bittersweet as can be. Elliot couldn't believe he was saying these words to such a woman. It could have been anyone. A victim, a friend, a perp – god why couldn't it have been a perp? He didn't want to think about it, what could have happened_. If Alex hadn't been there._

"Yes." She admitted.

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"That's all you have to say about it? Liv? Look at me." She had averted her gaze to avoid his piercing eyes. She looked up.

"What do want me to say?"

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Oh yeah, Elliot. I'm sorry I called Alex and not you while I was passed out on the floor."

"Damn it, Olivia, you know what I'm talking about. Before. When you started feeling that way."

"What did you expect, Elliot?"

"Not this."

"Of course, because nothing happens in the world when you're away. That's just like you."

"Olivia."

He was right, that wasn't fair of her to say. He had his reasons. But he didn't consider her. He didn't care.

"What did you want me to do, Elliot."

"Call me, at least afterwards. Not let me find out like this."

"Like what? How exactly did you find out?"

He ignored her question. "You could have said something. I didn't fall off the face of the Earth."

"You might as well have."

"How so, Olivia?"

"You left, Elliot."

"Yes, I left. What does that mean? That we aren't partners anymore? That I don't love you?"

"You didn't even call."

"Olivia…"

"You could have called…" she mumbled, choking back tears. She hated being this way. She had cried in front of him before. But now she was crying over him, and by that slight distinction, it was entirely different.

He saw her choking up, and the whole of it made him want to pull her into his arms. But he didn't, and there lay his first mistake.

"I'm here Olivia."

"Is that supposed to mean something?"

"It means that I'm here to help."

"I don't need your help."

"Yes, you do."

"I'm not taking your help, Elliot."

"Olivia…"

"And how the hell are you going to help me? You look like you need help yourself."

"Why are you being like this?"

"I told you why, Elliot. Now, please leave."

Anger boiled over in Olivia. She couldn't stand the way he attempted to manage her, to control the conversation with the 'bigger person' act. She knew him. She knew every angry outburst, every pathetic night hiding from his wife, and every single lie he told. All of it was coming to the surface, her disdain for his little actions bubbling up into one bout of resentment. She just needed a moment to hate him. Just one and she would return to loving him again. She deserved that one thing.

"No."

"What? El just go."

"No, Olivia. We're going to talk."

"Elliot stop pushing this."

"It's either here or the squad room."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Deal with your problem, get some counseling, or I'm going to Cragen."

"What, you're going to tell on me? You don't even work there."

"You and I both know that doesn't make a difference."

She was taken aback at his blatant attitude, and yet still, her anger fizzled and she was forced to read his eyes for validity. His stubborn and sure look shone through, and fear set into Olivia. She would lose her job. She had messed up too many times, violated rules, used the thin blue line, and even lied to save a perp. The squad wouldn't let this one go. Paid leave would turn into unpaid leave and that would turn into unemployment.

"Elliot, are you threatening me?"

"It sounds like it."

"Elliot…that is so low."

"You need help."

"And this is your way of getting it for me?"

"You want to keep your job, don't you?"

And with that, Olivia was speechless. The tears welled back up and the imminence of the situation came into focus. She had no choice. She didn't want to imagine walking into the dim fluorescent lights of a community building, forced to listen to the rest of the depressed masses as they quarreled over divorces and lost jobs. She didn't want to talk about the ache that pulsated in the back of her mind, begging with desperation that she give it up. Somehow, wallowing in constant depression seemed miniscule to losing her job. She was the Special Victims Unit, after all. She was nothing more. Objectively, he was doing the right thing. He wanted to get her help. Or, perhaps, he just wanted to control her. Either way, he had no right.

"Please, El."

"Make your decision."

Tears rolled down her cheeks, and Elliot turned to avoid looking her in her eyes. It was a dick move. He wasn't even sure what his motive was. He wanted to say he was sorry; he wanted to at least explain. But he didn't, and in that lay his second mistake.

"Take a week." He muttered.

She watched him walked away and she wiped tears from her red rimmed eyes. She nodded in agreement to his terms.


	15. Part 3 Chapter 4

Alex shifted her hands on her coffee cup, sitting stoically on the couch, resisting any movement that would cause sound. She could only hear a faint whispering, some harsh and some soft, on the other side of the apartment door. She was nervous. Although the most likely scenario would not include Olivia falling into Elliot's arms. Then again, it wouldn't include Alex's arms either.

The door pushed open and Olivia came stumbling through, her eyes noticeably red. She walked in and shut the door behind her, sighing with her gaze pointed directly at the floor.

"Olivia?" Alex offered, and Olivia looked up as if she had forgotten Alex was there.

Olivia's voice came out soft and hushed. "I'm sorry Alex."

"You don't have to apologize to me."

"He gave me an ultimatum."

"What?"

"Elliot. He threatened to give me up."

"He can't do that."

"He can."

"I won't let him."

"Thank you but there's nothing you can do, Alex."

Olivia resigned on the couch, a considerable distance from Alex. Alex made a leap of faith. She swiftly slid over to Olivia leaving inches between them.

"I'm sorry Olivia. I didn't tell him."

"I know you didn't."

"I don't even know how he found out."

"He didn't tell me, either."

"He has no right to threaten you. I have a mind to go after him right now."

"He wouldn't like that."

Alex chuckled. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"He's really intimidated by you."

"Huh, really? Well maybe I should go threaten him to drop it."

Alex pulled blonde strands behind her ear and looked into Olivia's eyes, angling to meet her downcast position. Olivia looked up and met her gaze, and then smiled. She hadn't had the state of mind to deal with Alex. She admired her, most definitely. She enjoyed her presence, appreciated her smile. Olivia could imagine Alex pulling her from the bathroom floor, cradling her head in her lap and frantically calling 911. Alex had sacrificed her professional position, as well as her emotional stability, to stand by Olivia. Even now that Elliot was here, her attitude hadn't changed. Olivia had toiled over the situation like a detective. _What is her motive? What does she want from me? _But somehow, in the midst of her cynical analysis, Olivia had lost her composure. She wanted Alex to be there with her, but she didn't know which way. She knew what she had to do to keep her from leaving.

"Thank you, Alex." Olivia's words flew by in a hushed tone.

"For what?"

"For everything. You've been amazing. Just amazing. And I know it's difficult. You have a lot on the line. It's a long way to go for a friend."

"Of course Olivia. Always."

"But why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you being like this? Staying so long? I mean, you saved my life. You don't have to endure this torture."

"Torture?"

"Yeah. I know I'm hard to deal with."

"Olivia…it's not about that. I really care about you."

"Why?"

Alex chuckled "You're not a terrible person, Liv. You do have likable qualities."

"I know. I just never thought we were close Alex. I don't know. Am I not seeing something?"

"You're right. It was a bit sudden."

"And the timing…"

"…It was wrong," Alex agreed. "Everything was all wrong."

"It's nice…anyways…that you care." Olivia admitted, gauging Alex's eyes for a read. She wasn't convinced, so Olivia continued. "You've shown me more kindness than I've seen in a while."

"Of course, Liv."

It wasn't enough. Olivia noticed Alex's reserved state, hands at her sides, staring with disappointed eyes. Olivia understood that look. It was the wrong time, the wrong place, and most likely the wrong person. Liv wasn't the only one who needed someone. She never really knew what happened to Alex, or who she really was. Yet something burned inside of her that urged her towards Alex.

The only thing Olivia knew about Alex was that she didn't want her to leave. She wanted Alex to stay and talk to her, in some way, suffer beside her. She knew that was asking too much. But Olivia could give something in return, not much, but something.

Olivia could ignore her hesitance and move towards Alex on the couch. She could push her hand across Alex's legs and dip down to meet her lips. And in that kiss, Olivia could use her experience and charm to tie Alex to her forever. But was it worth possibly hurting Alex in the end?

**There weren't many chapters, but they were long. Just had to bang out this chapter. Thanks for the read and be sure to drop a review.**


	16. Part 4 Chapter 1 Lust

As it turned out, no one knew much about Alex. Everyone knew that she was an A.D.A that specialized in the Special Victims Unit, that she was somewhat of a sympathetic hard-ass, and she was once suspended for her rule-breaking. Most knew that she kept her relationships private, and made every aspect of the criminal justice system her business. Some even knew her old money background, or her Harvard Law School education. However, no one quite knew the woman behind the prosecution desk. Alex often had a hard time picking apart this woman as well, having been born to get straight A's in high end private schools, as well as perform above expectations in IB league colleges, she had a hard time holding onto life as a single moment, rather than a sequence of events out of her control. Nevertheless, after the abrupt death of her mother, she felt that heavy hand lift off of her shoulders, however she would never describe it in this way, and she was left to make her own choices, and on her own accord. But with that, came responsibility over herself, as well as the overwhelming emotions that came with freedom. Emotions that she had underestimated, and in the years that proceeded her freedom, her feelings toward Olivia would no longer rest benign in the back of her mind. Instead, it became a cancer, and it consumed her preconceived thoughts about herself, her self-certainties, everything that she had come to know about Alex Cabot, sexually, and emotionally.

However, none of that mattered tonight.

What mattered was Olivia's closeness, how her lips pursed slightly as she looked straight into Alex's eyes, and how her eyelids dropped slightly, near a close, as if they were anticipating something. Anticipating…what? Was this worth it, from Alex's perspective, to risk her current state of self-preservation for a simple kiss? Alex knew Olivia's vulnerability; she had almost watched her die, so who was Alex to think that one kiss would change Olivia's entire mindset? It was silly, it was ridiculous, and it made no sense. But who was Alex kidding, when she told herself she cared more about self-preservation than Olivia? Nothing made sense, and Alex didn't mind, she was tired of waiting, sick of the space between them.

Olivia knew this was the way to keep Alex in her life.

And Alex knew she was right.

So Olivia crossed over, and Alex did the same, unmindful of self-preservation, but well aware of the lips that pressed against hers, softer than anything she would have imagined, velvet and burning hot at contact. Even trapped in the moment, Alex's senses were heightened by the touch of this detective, she could hear Olivia's soft breathing and her heavy hair pooling in curls at her shoulders, and smell the dark saccharin that radiated from her skin. She alone had no idea what she was doing, no perception of the moment as a whole. She could take it in pieces, she could feel, and she could understand. And she was shocked at inborn nature of it all, how she somehow knew it was something she was meant to do, something she had been waiting to do. This, of course, was not without bias.

And Olivia was shocked at the sweetness, having never kissed a woman, a sweetness that she could taste, and feel. And although the kiss was short-lived, a few seconds at best, she couldn't imagine having lived a lifetime without experiencing something so remarkable.


	17. Part 4 Chapter 2

Oh, if Elliot had known. If he had known that when they parted, Olivia tried her hardest to hide a smile, and stared down into the couch for an explanation, what would he have said? If he had known that the only reason for their departure was an insistent buzzing in Olivia's pocket, or that Olivia had put her hand on Alex's arm, apologizing vaguely before leaving, what would he have done? And even as Olivia left for the second time, leaving a flustered Alex planted on the couch, running her fingers over her rumpled dress; Alex still felt Elliot's governing lingering in the air. It angered her. It was as if he was copyrighting her, a human being, as his property.

Alex stood up and checked the time in Olivia's bedroom, which read 6:25 AM, and she ran her hand back through her tangled hair. _Damn it_, she thought, _I can't be late again_. Even if she took a cab, she wouldn't make it home and back down to the courthouse in time, especially in the morning traffic. She wondered if Olivia would mind her using her shower – and her clothes, and perhaps even a pair of shoes. And although Olivia was a few sizes bigger than her, especially over the years, it would have to do.

Alex slid into Olivia's bathroom, slipping out of her dress and into the shower with the water turned up high. Conditioning through the tangles in her hair, Alex's mind wandered again, to Olivia's lips, to the warmth of her skin and the warmth of the shower's jets rolling off of her shoulders. It drew enough of a parallel to press Alex's back against the shower wall, legs pressing together, with fireworks shooting off between her thighs. Olivia drove her insane. Alex had thought she had been at the height of her intensity, that her sexual desires had reached their peak, as they were as high as she had ever known. However, after the half second encounter, she felt as if her entire lower half was on constant fire, worse than her being on perpetual edge, where she was before she found Olivia on the bathroom floor. She slid her hands over her naked skin, down from her breasts, sliding across her navel, and between her legs. She took a deep breath. She didn't have time for this.

She twisted off the faucet and balanced herself against the shower wall. A sigh of frustration escaped her lips, and she toweled off, eyeing herself in the mirror. The fog subsided, and she couldn't help but wonder if she was enough for Olivia. She was thin, she was pale, and in comparison to a full figured, glowing Liv, she wasn't much at all. Her insecurities came into fuller focus now, having kissed Olivia, even if for a short time, she could imagine them going further. She had never minded, when in the midst of intimacy with a man, about her body shape or color. Now, being faced with such perfection, she couldn't imagine impressing Olivia as she let her robe fall down, being faced with her naked form and have the confidence to show hers. Perhaps she was thinking too far ahead.

She quickly dried and rummaged through Olivia's closet, finding a solid colored shirt buried in the far corner, slim and fitting, most likely from her pixie days. She pulled the shirt over, borrowed some slacks and flew out of the door, grabbing her phone and jacket, and locking the door behind her.

She hailed a cab easily, waving her hand, and answered her phone as she slid in the back. It was the DA, and he was fuming, she had messed up again. She had prosecuted a case, and lost, when a previous court case had laid out her victory, and she failed to catch it. She usually did her research, tirelessly and throughout every night, but things had changed, and she hadn't had the time to create balance again.

"How could you make such a ridiculous mistake?"

"I'm sorry, I-"

"It was so clear, right there in front of your face! It was **_right there_**."

"With all due respect, the judge would have never bought it, she's-"

"With all due respect, that's not up to you to decide. I'm telling you, Alexandra, I don't know what to do about you at this point. I'm going to have to start dishing out these cases to other attorneys."

"I understand."

"Do you? Do you understand the weight of your actions recently? What is going on?"

"I don't know what you're referring to."

"You're distracted. I've seen you. Finishing your work at the last minute, losing your composure in court, what could have you so preoccupied?"

"I'll take care of it."

"Yeah, you better. Where are you, anyways?"

"I'm heading to the courthouse."

"Yeah well skip the friendly morning transit and head down to special victims."

"They called?"

"There's a big case mounted right now, you don't need to be anywhere else but there."

"Understood." Alex tapped the seat of the taxi to get the cabbie's attention. "Change of plans. The police station, SVU." The cabbie nodded and Alex pulled the receiver back up to her ear, but he had already hung up. She sighed, and reached in the pocket of a jacket she soon realized was not hers. It was going to be a hell of day – but at least she had an excuse to go straight to Olivia.


	18. Part 4 Chapter 3

The motors of the squad were already running on high, and Alex had come in the height of it, where even Fin seemed to be pulling his hair out over the case. Amaro, who was usually a bit more high-strung, had his face covered by his hands, resting his elbows on the desk. Everyone else was preoccupied, taking calls or researching, and Alex spotted Olivia as burst out of Cragen's office with an exasperated look on her face.

Olivia caught Alex's eyes, and her expression changed, quite obviously, into a blush – a reaction that no one anticipated. Amaro, Rollins, Munch, and Fin shot their eyes to Olivia, and then to Alex. Office romance wasn't a frequent in the squad, and when it came up, it was always a thing of public interest. Especially when dealing with same sex romance – after all, Dr. Huang seemed to be the only one they knew who was gay. And with Olivia, there had always been some speculation about her sexuality, seeming that she dated many men, and had not yet made any commitments.

Olivia felt the eyes on her, and proceeded to her desk, looking down at the papers shuffling in her hands. With that, Munch let out a frustrated sigh.

Alex looked over to him "That bad, huh?"

"No, not if you're a psychic. Every lead seems to end in the same place – nowhere. No good witnesses, nothing we can use for a warrant."

Alex was admittedly lost in cases. She had no idea which one he was referring to. "And um, what would you need a warrant for?"

"Well that's what we need you to figure out."

"Um…" Alex avoided the gaze of the detectives, who had turned to watch the ADA falling off of her game. "For the hate crimes." She said it as a statement, hoping that it would slide, but no one had bought it.

Munch looked in disbelief "Yes. For the hate crimes. The ones against the whites, and the Jewish. Do you need a whole briefing?"

"No, no," Alex assured "It's been a heavy morning. Right, so what information do we have?" she was rambling, and Olivia had been eyeing her the whole time, worry and laughter on the brink of showing up on her face. The way that Alex was babbling was cute, in a way, but at the same time, it may affect her work, and Olivia knew that work meant just as much to Alex as it did to her.

Olivia decided to save her, getting up from her desk. "Come on Alex, I have to interview another witness from the shopping mall incident, you might as well tag along." Alex nodded, not taking her gaze from Olivia, trotting behind her, hoping that the embarrassment of the moment would be abandoned in the courthouse. But good ol' Munch was just too curious.

"What's going on here?" Munch asked blatantly. "Cabot's tripping up, Liv's inviting attorney assistance instead of submitting to it, and now Cabot wears Liv's jackets. Am I missing something?"

Cabot had hoped no one noticed the jacket, letting out a sigh, and clutched it tighter to her person instinctively.

"Yeah…" Amaro looked up as he grew a couple "What _is_ going on?"

"Come on," Rollins rolled her eyes "It's none of our business."

"It is if we can't get any legal help," Fin remarked, standing up from his place at Munch's desk.

"You can get legal help," Alex said defensively "I just need some more information. And Benson is offering to fill me in."

"And Amanda is right," Olivia added with a smirk "It's none of your business."

With that, Cabot followed behind Olivia out of the squad room, and into the hallway. Olivia pressed the elevator button, and as they began to descend, Alex handed over Olivia's coat coyly.

"I accidentally picked it up this morning," Alex explained. "I thought it was mine."

"I didn't think you were going to come in today," Olivia smiled, taking the jacket from her "You looked paralyzed."

_I was_, Alex thought.

"I was," she said, without thinking it through. She didn't dare go further into that notion.

"Well," Olivia smirked again "You kind of gave yourself away today."

"I know, I know." Alex ran her hands through her blonde tresses and sighed "I've been so distracted lately. The cases have been building up, one after the other. I just can't stay focused."

"Think it's the case load?"

"No, it's been worse. It's been a lot worse."

"I have moments too. Some days are better than others."

"Yeah, maybe," Alex leaned back against the elevator wall. "I just don't want to get suspended."

"You're facing suspension? Why so soon?"

"I'm not…I mean, I don't know. I just don't want to get that point."

The doors opened and Olivia walked out, her swaying hips prey to Alex's hungry eyes. Alex pressed her legs together and scurried after her before the elevator doors closed.

"I understand," Olivia said eyeing Alex's movements suspiciously "Maybe you need a break?"

"Ha, what's that?"

"I know, I know," Olivia nodded understandably "But I've learned the hard way to pull back a little. When's the last time you took a vacation?"

Alex attempted to think back, following Olivia outside the station doors. "Uh, when did N'Sync break up?"

Olivia laughed and strolled to the unmarked squad car, offering Alex shotgun and sliding into the front seat.

"So where are we going?" Olivia asked, glancing over to Alex.

Alex looked at her, surprised "I thought we were going to go interview some witnesses."

"Well we aren't getting very far in the case. So that wasn't exactly the truth. I just thought, to thank you for everything, I might save you from getting attacked back there, and maybe buy you some lunch."

Alex smiled, pulling strand of hair from her face. "Thanks, but, you don't have to do that."

"Hmm, a sandwich for saving my life – I think I owe you at least that."

_Kiss me again_, Alex found herself thinking, _And your debt will be paid in full_.

"Okay, then let's go. Wherever is fine."

Alex lost the rest the conversation at that point, and her eyes dipped below Olivia's neck, unable to help herself at this point. She had sketched Olivia's form inside of her head over the years, from her lips to the swell of breasts, so she could revisit her beauty at any time. Something drastic had happened in her appearance, and suddenly Olivia was voluptuous and her skin radiated a glow that lit up her entire face. Or maybe this was just how Alex saw her, her sexual frustration burning and consuming her thoughts. All she thought about was sex at this point, and not analytically, like someone from special victims would, but longingly, like an animal in heat.

Olivia pulled out and leaned back against her seat, weaving into the traffic and cruising patiently. Alex crossed her legs and counted the hours until she could be alone in her apartment. Eleven hours, and the clock wasn't ticking any faster. She needed to find a way out before she exploded.


	19. Part 4 Chapter 4

"So what do you think," Munch asked "Sleepover?"

Amaro looked up from his desk "Talking about work? I think they were case reviewing."

"If they were it didn't show," a grin crept across Munch's face "Maybe they were doing a little more than reviewing?"

"Why do you always go there?" Fin glanced over from his receiver.

"All the roads lead there, my friend," Munch crossed over to Fin's desk and sat on the edge of his desk "We've all seen it, I know I have."

"There's no proof." Fin looked up at him.

"You don't need proof when all the signs are there. You know what I mean, when we get a case and all the evidence is there, just no proof. We have the perp, he's in our hands, and we just can't call him on it."

"I'm sorry," Rollins laughed "Are we comparing Olivia to a perp?"

"The way she's been so secretive lately, we might as well," Amaro shot from the coffee stand, pouring too much sugar in his mug. "Maybe the reason she hasn't committed with any guys, is cause she really has been playing for the other team." He poured out his cup into the sink.

"Am I out of the loop here?" Amanda asked, and pulling open and closed a drawer for the third time, trying to occupy herself. "Why are you guys jumping to such huge conclusions?"

"Because we know her – we know both of them, actually. Alex never falls off of her game, ever. I mean, she did once, but that was – what – seven years ago? And Olivia does not blush. She smiles, sure, in that half-condescending way, but she never blushes."

"Why are you so suspicious?" Rollins asked, and Fin laughed. "You must be new here."

"I don't know, Munch. Even if they were dating, why would they make it so obvious, and so sudden?" Amaro looked at Munch questioningly.

"How should I know?"

"You seem to know all the answers," Fin chuckled.

"I'm not sure," Rollins said "You're not the best when it comes to guessing."

"This time," Munch assured "I'm not guessing."


	20. Part 4 Chapter 5

The bomb went off earlier than she had expected. The lunch went smoothly, and they spoke naturally, without, of course, mentioning the previous nights. Alex had crossed her legs and uncrossed them, hoping her smiles didn't convey lust, and Olivia seemed oblivious. The check had been brought and Olivia paid happily, and spent a few moments more talking, her hands moving with her words. Alex had been biting her lips, messing with her hair, and smiling with a closed mouth. She couldn't think straight at this point, and by the time they reached the car, Alex was on the verge of a sexual breakdown.

And in the heat of the moment, she asked to go to the courthouse. The explanation was the case, time to get their thoughts together, with legal backing. The truth was at the courthouse, Alex had an office, and that office could be locked.

Olivia agreed without a second thought, perhaps oblivious to Alex's plans, or perhaps well-informed, and not obviously aware. They were walked up the courthouse stairs and into Alex's office, where Olivia set her jacket down on Alex's desk, perhaps unaware that Alex had shut the door and locked it, and also pulled the blinds. Olivia had taken a moment to look around, and Alex had used that moment to pull off her jacket as well and lay it down on a nearby chair. Alex had stood patiently at the corner of her desk until Olivia finally averted her gaze to the door, and then to Alex, and chuckled.

"Why all the secrecy?-" she asked, and her sentence was ended abruptly by Alex, who had pushed Olivia against her desk, full-lip kissing her, with her hand dominantly placed on Olivia's torso. Olivia's surprised stare soon subsided into closed eyes and requited pursed lips, unable to fully understand the hand running through her hair, or the leg slightly lifted against her thigh.

_What is she doing?_ Olivia thought.

_What am I doing?_ Alex continued.

And had Stabler known, that in the heat of the moment, Olivia had sat up on the desk with her hands on Alex's waist, with Alex sitting balanced on her lap, what would he have thought? Alex relished in the fact that she could care less.

**Could you tell that I couldn't wait to get to this part? Sorry about the chapter length, the one perspective, and the lack of crime. Reviews are 10,000% welcome and your reads are extremely appreciated.**


	21. Part 5 Chapter 1 Poison

Olivia thought she heard an empty mug hit the floor, sounding with a chink and rolling to a stop. It was enough to break someone from a stupor, to land someone back on earth. The mug should have been her wake up call. And yet a woman's body, warm and gentle, had been the awakening. Rational thought, if it had returned to her after their first encounter, had taken a leave of absence. Instead she had spent a good thirty seconds in a compromising position, with thighs that pressed against her sides and hands that burned heat straight through her blouse and into her skin. Following upwards was a hand that cradled her head, leading her into the kisses that landed softly but quickly, causing her lips to part in instinct.

She had long avoided something new. Alex had taken the dominant side, holding Olivia, guiding her – even though her sexual experience was not nearly as vast. Olivia leaned backwards, she accepted the kisses, she received. Her hands were the ones that paused, waiting for action, being the one to reciprocate. She had never wanted this. She had initiated every sexual encounter she had ever experienced, she owned the situation, and she was in control. It was that sweet power – the ability to say no, the ability to demand – that allowed her to secure her vulnerability. No man had to know the next move, or the secrets behind her experience. She liked it that way – she had never wanted anything new. It was the job that made her that way, and she accepted that.

And yet she accepted another kiss from Alex, who was careful not to say a word, not even to breathe, in risk of endangering the moment. Olivia felt fingers that played on the hem of her slacks, and her hands wandered unknowingly into the lap of Alex, which, because her legs were spread around Olivia, and her skirt had risen up significantly, was mostly bare. The heat of Alex's thighs was quick to burn into Olivia's palms, and Olivia gripped her legs lightly, causing a shiver to go up to Alex's spine. Kiss here, kiss there – head tilted and hands wandering – and kisses that landed on Olivia's jaw line and traveled to her neck.

There, Olivia had the freedom to open her eyes. A long sigh escaped in her neck, and Olivia's eyes dipped to the mess of blonde hair that gathered around her chest. The sensitivity caused her to close her eyes again, and bite her lip, hard. She was, admittedly, trying to hold back. After all, she wasn't just kissing Alex.

Her heart was on fire. It was a physical pain, one that had persisted for years, aching and pulling on the tendons mercilessly. It was nearly perpetual, and it brought tears to her eyes every time she focused on it. Every rape victim, coworker, rapist, pedophile, and foster child had been silently poisoning her throughout her entire career. She thought she was the one – the strong one. She had been psyched up for years, people had asked her all the time, _"How do you do it?"_ They told her, over and over, _"You must be so strong."_ She would nod and smile and explain that this was her passion; this was a part of her. She thought she was the one – the only person who could stand this kind of mental torment for thirteen years. But then the adoption papers were declined, and Stabler walked out, and the years turned into one long day. Then she couldn't be strong anymore. Then she was no longer Olivia Benson. She was a rape victim, a coworker, a rapist, a pedophile, and a foster child. And she couldn't stand looking herself in the mirror any longer.

Alex didn't have a problem looking at her, however. Olivia's physical pain radiated from her intensely, and Olivia had witnessed it seeping into Alex's skin like poison. And yet here Alex stood, after being thoroughly discouraged by Olivia's actions, tenderly kissing her neck. It could have been a sexual impulse, a sort of middle age sexual walk-about, where Alex found damaged goods and used it to her advantage. It could have been any one of the selfish reasons that popped into Olivia's head, begging to be the cause of Alex's persistence. Olivia couldn't care about Alex's intentions, being embraced so selflessly. She had seen her effect on Alex, after all. She knew this wasn't good for Alex, it wasn't a healthy situation, it was unprofessional, and a conflict of interest, and emotionally scarring. She had selfish intentions as well.

But she needed Alex. It was no longer a want, but an innate desire that controlled Olivia, demanding this moment and refusing to allow thought to interfere. She needed Alex and Alex wanted her. And with that, Olivia poisoned Alex completely.


	22. Part 5 Chapter 2

The elevator hissed to a stop, landing on the second floor, and heavy grade black boots struck the squad room floors. Heads turned as Elliot strode into sight, looking considerably cleaner than the other night, with a dress shirt and black slacks that were pressed shoddily. Fin looked up from his desk, where Munch had laid down a set of playing cards, and he was shuffling them while leaning back in his chair, turned away from the entrance.

"Does an ace count for three or twelve?" he asked Fin, who was concentrating on his coworker as he crossed the room in urgency.

"Neither," Fin answered, exchanging glances with Rollins, who was lost to the significance of the moment. And with that, Munch turned his head and caught sight of the squad room spectacle. He immediately got up and crossed the room with arms open.

"Hey my man, finally coming back from hiatus?"

"Not now." Elliot said with his eyes on the captain's office. Munch shrugged with a smile and returned to his seat.

Captain Cragen was currently sifting through paperwork, a package of Twizzlers open on his desk, as well as two half full cups of coffee. He was mumbling to himself, and his forehead was wrinkled in concentration. He had only stopped to look up when Elliot closed the door behind him, clicking with a familiarity only heard when serious business was afoot.

He was immediately taken aback by the man before him, barely getting a word out before Elliot began to sputter.

"Look, I promised her I wouldn't. I promised to give her time. But I can't. I'm doing this for her good."

Cragen shook off his surprise and leaned in.

"Might I ask what the hell you're talking about?"

Elliot sighed, and the familiar feeling rose in him, right before he knew he was making a mistake.

"I have to tell you about Olivia."


	23. Part 5 Chapter 3

Alex must have jumped six feet when she heard the knock. Her heels hit the floor hard, and she looked anxiously at Olivia, who sat dumbfounded on Alex's chestnut executive. Alex instinctively matted her hair down, and pulled down her skirt, which had still been scrunched up at her waist. Olivia jumped to action as well, combing through her hair with her fingers, and sliding into a guest chair, and then crossing her legs. She motioned for Alex to open the door, and then forced a relaxed demeanor.

It was the district attorney, who raised an eyebrow when Alex came to the door with a smile, one that she had not intended to have. He peeked behind Alex and saw the detective sitting cross-legged in the guest chair, and apologized. He didn't know she had company.

But it was okay, as Olivia was just leaving. She gathered a few random papers, hopefully portraying the illusion that something was being done, and walked out swiftly, but not rushed, avoiding raising suspicion. Alex was mindful not to watch her leave, but blushed nevertheless, still riding the rush of nearly being caught. The D.A watched Olivia walk out of sight, then he sauntered into Alex's office and closed the door behind him.

"Hello counselor, how can I help you?" Alex asked and made her way back to her desk.

The D.A watched her with a mute thoughtfulness, as if he was contemplating what to say next. The silence made her nervous. She glanced at her watch to avoid looking like an idiot.

"Oh, so you do know the time," the D.A finally said, a stern coldness to his voice.

"What's that?" His demeanor was scaring her.

"Oh, I was just noticing that you indeed know how to tell time – therefore there could be no other explanation for your absence in court today."

"What?" Alex nervously flipped through the papers on her desk and pulled out her schedule. "I don't have any court dates today. I went to SVU like you said."

"Uh-uh," the D.A shook his head "You didn't have any _cases_ today. You were scheduled to speak with Judge Donnelly about her re-election this morning."

"I didn't see that on my schedule."

"And I suppose that's my fault. Or your secretary, who hasn't shown up to work in two days, and you haven't seemed to notice."

"Look," Alex sighed "My mistake. I could always re-schedule."

"Do not dismiss this, Alexandra." The D.A pursed his lips "Judge Donnelly was actually on the fence about this meeting. And she has begun to change her mind."

"With all due respect," Alex pulled a lock of hair behind her ear while she spoke "I don't really see the purpose in me being there."

"The _purpose_," the D.A's annoyance plagued his voice "…is that I asked you to do it. The purpose is that you work for me under _my_ discretion and you are a reflection of _my_ leadership. And lately I have been questioning my leadership skills. I mean, what kind of leader would allow their assistant attorney to fall so far off the wagon without any repercussions? I'm starting to wonder why I'm still letting you stand here Ms. Cabot. I mean, a good leader would be issuing out suspensions by now, wouldn't they?"

"Counselor Webber-" Alex started.

"Cabot." Webber interrupted. "I've given you a lot of leeway lately. I really like you, you're a great attorney, but these slip-ups are beginning to take a toll on the image of the prosecution as a whole. You're off your game. I don't know what it's gonna take to get you back on it, and frankly I don't have time to diagnose you. I'm sorry Alex."


	24. Part 5 Chapter 4

"The bastard suspended me." Alex pressed the phone to her ear, stepping down the courthouse stairs with her jacket and briefcase tucked in her arms.

"For _what_?" Olivia was weaving through traffic in the squad car, disbelief in her expression, not only from the suspension, but from Alex's quick call.

"Insubordination. He got so peeved over a missed meeting and then lectured me for a few minutes. Then he went on with "You're off your game, and I can't diagnose you" or some shit. Just for a re-election meeting with Donnelly."

"Oh," Olivia said, partly relieved. "I thought he might of…" her sentence trailed off.

"Seen us? No, I doubt it. It's just so strange how he reacted."

"Yeah, wow," Olivia agreed "Suspension over one single instance? Seems pretty vindictive."

Alex had of course failed to mention her other "instances".

"Yeah I think Donnelly might have been helping him out a little bit."

"You mean sexual favors?"

"No, there is no amount of drunk you could be to get in bed with that guy." Alex shook her head and hailed a cab, heading home. "I think she might be helping him with _his_ campaign, from the inside. Judges have a lot of social backing when it comes to elections – she could be helping him keep the job. Maybe she would only agree to help him if he in turn helped her."

"Wonderful judiciary system to be a part of, huh?" Olivia chuckled.

"Tell me about it."

"Well since you're suspended, looks like you'll have some time to work with. Paid suspension?"

"Of course. He could never get away with otherwise."

"Right," Olivia nodded and pulled into a space in front of the station. She turned off the car and relaxed in the seat. "So, you'll have some free time?" she repeated, and Alex laughed, which made her blush.

"I've gotten you, haven't I?" Alex joked.

"I wouldn't go that far. Have dinner with me." She chuckled nervously, while also casually reasserting her dominance. She left the car and walked up to the station, taking the elevator into the squad room.

"Yeah, definitely. Actually, you should have dinner with me. We should order out and if you want, you could help me clean my apartment. Now that I have all this free time."

Olivia laughed, and strolled into the squad room. "Ah, so that's what you wanted all along. I'll stop by at eight; I still have a few ends to wrap up here. I have to make up for the time I spent with your desk."

Alex laughed harmoniously in Olivia's ear, causing her to smile as she entered the squad room, and all eyes turned on her. Most hauntingly were Cragen's – they glared at her from across the room. "You." He pointed at Olivia, motioning for her to come with his index finger. "We need to talk."

"Okay, okay," Olivia glanced nervously at Cragen, talking into the receiver. "I'll see you then."

"Okay," Alex smiled "See you then."

Olivia proceeded to Cragen's office with caution after hanging up, and sliding her phone back into her pocket. He knew something, and she could tell.


	25. Part 5 Chapter 5

"Movies make chopsticks look so sexy," Alex said, struggling with the utensils at her kitchen bar, attempting to grab a piece of orange chicken from a white carton.

Olivia sat on the corner of Alex's couch, her head resting in her hands, her food untouched. Alex switched her focus to Olivia, and gave a sympathetic look. She strode over to Olivia, the pain of her suspension dampened by Olivia's presence. Her entire body felt as if it weighed nothing, so she floated down to the couch, laying a supportive hand on Olivia's back. "We didn't really talk about what happened."

"Damn it, _damn_ it, _damn it_." Olivia cursed under her breath, running her hands down her face. "It was him. I know it was him."

"Who?"

"Elliot." Olivia looked up at her. "He told me he'd give me time. He lied."

"Well, did you really expect anything else?" Alex rubbed Olivia's back and Olivia shook her head.

"No." Olivia glanced at Alex, who sported a messy bun and stunning blue eyes. "No I didn't."

"Exactly," Alex smiled "You could always look at the good side of this. You get time off."

"But suspension? I've avoided that for years – you know how many times I've dodged suspension? I can't believe he would just drop me like that."

"I think he cares for you, a lot of people do, you know."

Olivia scoffed and looked over at her "So your saying Elliot 'just cared for me too much' as well?"

"Well…" Alex said "He did it the wrong way. But all anyone is trying to do is help you."

Olivia sighed and leaned back onto her couch, putting her hands behind her head in resignation. She reached for her food, opening up the carton and skillfully operating the chopsticks to pick up Bourbon chicken and chow mein.

"Oh, rub it in." Alex laughed.

Olivia smiled and twisted the chopsticks in her hands. "What am I going to do for a month? No perps, no court. Maybe I can finally get the dishwasher fixed."

"You wash dishes?"

"Paper plates."

"Ah." Alex nodded and thought for a minute. "Well, you could always get out of here."

"What like a vacation?"

"Yeah, out of country."

"No, no." Olivia shook her head. "That's too much for me right now. I have a lot of work to do, in my personal life. I don't think there is any room for travel just yet."

Alex smiled sweetly. "And what exactly is your game plan?"

"Oh, I don't know. Volunteering?" Olivia stood up, walking to the freezer and pulling out a chilled bottle of wine. "To be completely honest, I don't have a plan. I'm pretty sure I'll end up staying inside with a glass of wine every night."

Alex laughed and walked up in front of Olivia, placing her hand on Olivia's, stopping her from popping off the cork. Alex leaned forward, hesitating, and then continued to plant a quick kiss on her lips.

"Alex…stop." Olivia managed to utter it once her breath returned. Her face was still a few inches away from Alex's, and her head bent down with a blush.

"Look, I just care about you. We should go somewhere. As friends, or something. It would be a great getaway for you. You need it."

"Alex…" Olivia started.

"I mean we're," she pointed at Olivia and then back at herself "we're, something right? This is some kind of friendship."

"Let's…not over analyze it."

"Right. Well, this ambiguous relationship would be great for vacations, wouldn't it? We could get drunk together and not worry about what we'll say or do. We could eat dinner outside…come on." Alex nudged her playfully. "You need to have fun, just be a kid, and not worry about the squad, or Elliot, or anything."

Olivia smiled "I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I have to think on it."

"Well don't think too long." Alex smiled, and went back to the couch, settling at the end. She patted the seat next to her and offered her best smile. "And until then, we might as well be ambiguous friends with benefits."

**Fun little last chapter. Sorry it took so long for an update. Where is this relationship going? Definitely not to the bedroom, wink wink. Reviews are now 100,000% welcome. Good luck with whatever is going on in your life. It's hiatus fan fiction season.**


	26. Part 6 Chapter 1 The List

There was a knock on Alex's bedroom door, and Olivia looked over from her place in the bed, clad in a dark red bra and black pencil skirt that hugged at her hips.

"Hurry up!" Alex shouted from behind the door. "Unless you're going to commandeer the plane back down, we need to get out of here by nine thirty."

"I'm going as fast as I can," Olivia lied. "Just wait."

She applied the rest of her mascara in the mirror parallel from the bedside, running her fingers through her hair, and then rummaging through her suitcase to find a replacement shirt. Her old one hung up on the bed rafters, with a large tan stain covering the front and spotting the arms.

"What's taking so long?" Alex asked, leaning at the door and glancing at the suitcases stacked at the front of her apartment.

"I told you I had to change shirts. Some asshole bumped into me at Starbucks this morning – talking on his phone, of course – and spilled his iced mocha all over me. Thank God it was cold; otherwise you would be representing me in court. I still don't know about this vacation Alex, maybe this morning was a sign that we shouldn't go through with it."

"If it was a sign," Alex said "It was telling you that you should've packed earlier instead of leaving it to the last minute, that way you wouldn't have needed coffee this morning."

"A-ha, very funny." Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled, twisting an outward curl back in. "Don't you have some appliances to unplug?"

"Oh, right."

Alex moved from the door, and Olivia stood in front of the mirror, taking an once-over of her features and silently nitpicking at her appearance. Alex was right, in fact, she had waited to the last minute to pack for the trip – but she was up all night for a different reason. After that night with Alex, calmly talking and occasionally pausing –without any conception of her actions – to kiss her, things had become increasingly unclear. Attempting to draw a parallel between attempted suicide, blackmail, suspension, and an ambiguous lesbian relationship had become impossible. Olivia had just given up, and let the confusion wash over her in strong, blinding waves. But the detective in her needed to figure some things out.

She had pulled out a sheet of copy paper after she returned home, after Alex had persuaded her to use her vacation days on something other than sleeping, and sat on her couch with a blanket pulled over her legs. She was going to make a list. And however inane it seemed, she told herself she would not rest until every item on the list was resolved, and her thinking no longer spiraled in circles.

At the top of the list, was of course, lesbianism.

_"__I tried it in college once, I'm not going to lie,"_ Alex had admitted. They had been in a small café, talking travel arrangements and waiting for the rain to die down. _It wasn't anything romantic, or serious. I mean, it could have been, it definitely could've. But you don't think that way in college – well, at least I didn't - in serious relationship terms. I had come to believe that girl and girl relationships were always flings. Didn't look too much into it until well after I started working."_

_"__After you started working?" _Olivia asked, smirking slightly. "_You don't want to be a little more specific than that?"_

_"__After I started working _with SVU_. How is that?" _Alex asked, smiling mockingly.

_"__Better." _Olivia smiled and took a sip of her coffee.

_"__What about you?" _

_"__What about me what?"_

_"__College? Experimenting?"_

_"__Oh yeah," _Olivia said casually_ "I dated a girl once."_

_"__Dated? Wow, I only got as far as making out." _Alex leaned in closer and Olivia couldn't help but laugh.

_"__Ah, well, yeah. I dated a girl – her name as Maria, or Melissa. Something like that."_

_"__You forgot her name? Must not have been really special." _

_"__No, no. It was dating. Regular dating just like in high school or college. Nothing serious, just hanging around like normal lazy teenagers."_

_"__Wow…"_

_"__Well you know how it is. Sexuality is really flexible, and often confusing, especially in those years. I don't think I know a woman that _hasn't_ kissed a girl or two." _

_"__Yeah, sexuality is flexible. But I think once you reach a certain age, your sexuality, in ideal terms, finds a place and stays there."_

_"__It sounds like you're trying to say something." _Olivia smiled and raised an eyebrow.

_"__I'm just saying - if you're over thirty and start questioning your sexuality, maybe you never knew it in the first place." _

Olivia knew she was right. The name of the girl was Marissa, and Olivia had nearly loved her. But like Alex said, it was college, and college girls don't think that way. So she dropped the relationship and moved on with her life and pushed it out of her head. And she was completely straight up until then. Well, not entirely.

Olivia had to admit, with the years between college and the present; she had taken a few second glances at women around her. She would occasionally feel butterflies while admiring pin-up beauties like Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Page, and in the precinct there was Alex, sitting demurely at her desk, her crossed legs tightening her skirt around her form. But they were women, and women were out of bounds. It was what her mother her had preached, and it was out of the societal realm, not to mention a taboo subject overall.

Issue two was her trust.

She had never had it completely, with anyone else than Stabler, and she was skeptical, noticeably skeptical of Alex. In her most vulnerable moments, there was Tutuola, there was Stabler, and now, there is Alex.

_"__I don't consider myself too trusting," _Alex told her. _"Especially in my line of work. I don't think I really dated anyone too trusting either. Of course, every now then there is a guy who puts himself out there, you know, makes himself vulnerable, right in front of me. It always feels like an attempt, though. A struggle to show their feminine side just to get me in bed."_

_"__I understand," _Olivia agreed. _"There comes a point in a relationship where I just want to know what's really there. What's behind all those dates, and smiles, and compliments. It won't happen without trust, and I'm not always willing to wait. I guess that explains my track record." _

_And where are we_, Olivia had thought. _What does that mean for me and you?_ There was a trust, but a kind of conditional trust, where Olivia trusted Alex because she had to and Alex trusted Olivia because she wanted to. Olivia had thought all night about it, feeling that same hesitation towards a relationship that she had many times before. But then she thought of the consequences, of the emptiness she would feel if Alex ever decided to just walk away. So she trusted her. But not because she wanted to. Because she had no other options but a handful of pills and some Jack Daniels.

Issue three was the burning.

It was a rather small issue, but an issue nonetheless. It started off with a light sensation in her chest, and spread throughout her body like a wildfire. It happened whenever she saw Alex smile, which used to be rare, but now it caught her off guard several times a day. Her voice would turn breathy and dry and she would lose her train of thought many times over. She didn't want this issue. She didn't want to have to deal with it, or analyze it, or even push it out of her mind. She wanted to let it hang there.

"You're going as fast as you can, huh?" Issue one, two, and three said from beside the bed.

She had walked in while Olivia was daydreaming in the mirror, her clacking heels and shuffling lost to an oblivious detective. Olivia looked over quickly in surprise, and then took a deep breath, pressing her hand to her heart.

"Jesus Christ you scared me..," she said, standing up to meet her eye line.

"I scared you?" Alex laughed, setting off the wildfire in Olivia again. "How is that? I walked right in and-" she paused, taking a once over of Olivia's features, the glow of her skin and the curves, from the swell of her breasts to the round of her hips. "What's this?" she asked, not even sure she knew what she was asking.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked with a small smile, looking down at herself. "I had to change shirts."

Alex looked at her blankly.

"The coffee, this morning – that asshole. Remember?"

"Oh! Right." Alex remembered, lifting her gaze again and offering an innocent smile when it met Olivia's smirk.

"You're a charmer, you know that?" Olivia said with a smile, going to retrieve her shirt from her suitcase, Alex watching her every subtle move.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about..." Alex offered, her sentence trailing off.

Olivia turned back around, and faced a bewildered Alex, whose lips were parted in intrigue. Olivia saw her chance to resolve issue three, or maybe to just exacerbate it, but nevertheless, she walked up briskly to Alex, her hands gripping both of Alex's arms securing her in place. And then their lips met.

Fear surged through Olivia's veins as she pressed in harder, pulling Alex in closer as the kiss grew deeper and Alex's eyes turned from a surprised gaze to a fluttering desire. Fear of disappointing, of regret, and yet Olivia had tilted her head, a few long curls resting on Alex's shoulder, releasing her grip and running her fingers against Alex's jawline. Olivia ran her tongue along Alex's lips, which Alex invited in, and ran her other hand along the thin fabric covering Alex's chest. The women were free-handed, searching each other's bodies carefully, delicately caressing and waiting for a physical response. Olivia parted through her fear with closed eyes and deep breaths that hummed in Alex's tongue. Alex forgot to breathe and pulled her lips from hers, resting her forehead lightly against the bridge of Olivia's nose, and sucking in a slow, deliberate breath.

"We're going to be late…" Alex said to Olivia's chest, nearly breathlessly.

Olivia lifted up her chin with her finger and smiled, and proceeded to develop her list with the taste of Alex's lips.

**Hello everyone. I'm going to be doing the vacation in one page chapters because otherwise you would be waiting forever for me to get this seven part vacation underfoot. I hope you enjoy the romance/drama that is about to ensue. Please review.**

**R.I.P Cory Monteith, a beam of light in the television world.**


	27. Part 6 Chapter 2 Martha's Vineyard

_"__Why Martha's Vineyard?"_ Olivia had asked, understandably, while idly browsing the racks of a department store.

Alex had been packing from home, nestling the phone between her ear and shoulder.

_"__My family has a place down there,"_ Alex explained. _"My father bought a timeshare a while back and he passed on the responsibility to me. It's beautiful this time of year – nearly like a tropical paradise but without all the extreme heat and old men in pineapple shirts. You'll love the place, it's remote and about fifty feet from the beach. It's not too far from New York, either. That way I get you just enough out of your comfort zone that you don't clam up."_

Olivia laughed. _"And what about you?"_ she had asked. _"What about your comfort zone? Don't you have any hesitation about leaving work?"_

_"__Sure I do,"_ she admitted. _"But I can recognize when it's time to let go. When it's time to take a breather and walk away for a while."_

Now Olivia was sitting anxiously in the backseat of a private cab, stealing glances at Alex as they rolled peacefully down a back road. The view from the car was unbelievable, a stretch of untainted green land that dissolved into sand, and eventually, shore. The waters were clear, not the troubled gray of the Hudson River, but a clean reflection of the blue skies above. Alex stared nostalgically out of the car window, noting every ridge and branch as if they were old friends welcoming her after many years apart. Alex had been dreamy on the plane, nearly silent, and now she wore a contented smile that fit well with her attire – a thin sky blue dress and cream colored sandals. Olivia couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking about.

The cab parked into an impressive driveway, abruptly ending Olivia's ponderings, and pulling Alex from a dream-like stupor. Alex suddenly jumped up and out of the cab like an excited child, and soon came around to nearly pull Olivia out as well.

The house was immaculate – a two story beach house with the likeness of a Victorian. The house was colored a faint yellow, nearly cream, and had stark white shutters and lining. There was a large porch that stretched its way around the entire house, and wooden lounge chairs lined neatly against its front walls. The driver had barely come to a full stop before Alex had made her way up the porch steps, Olivia in breathless tow.

"God, it's just like I remember it," she said with a smile so beautiful it nearly spiritually compelled Olivia to return it. "It's so gorgeous and wow – they really kept this place up."

She ran her hand along the siding, and as they cab driver grudgingly heaved their luggage to the front, Alex quickly fumbled the keys out and pulled Olivia inside. The inside was just as the outside suggested – gorgeous. The furniture was a calm mix of summer colors, soft shades of brown and cream, which were often highlighted with aquatic odds and ends. Alex gave her a quick tour, outlining the guest room, her parent's room, and the several other rooms that Olivia found unnecessary but charming. Finally, Alex pulled her into a room of blues and whites, with a full bed in the center that Alex pointed out as her room. Olivia looked around with an impressed expression, crossing her arms in inspection. Alex followed her gaze, as if looking for approval, and Olivia sat at the edge of the bed.

"Now how do we know your family isn't going to come knocking around here looking for a getaway?" Olivia asked, smiling. "How are you going to explain me away?"

"My dad would never leave during college football season. And besides, the rest of my family has probably forgotten this place exists. Even if they _did _come, what do you think is happening that I would have to explain away?" Alex smirked at her, sitting beside her on the bed.

"You got me there," Olivia admitted, smiling in spite of herself.

"That's okay," Alex assured, smoothing out her dress. "Ambiguous relationship, remember? Anything goes. No over-analyzing, no diagnosing, just some fun. Whatever form that takes is fine with me."

"Yeah, I'll bet." Olivia laughed, and then ran a hand through her hair.

Alex then took Olivia's chin in her hand, and kissed her lips. Olivia smiled when their lips met for the short kiss, and then gingerly pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Alex apologized, replaying the melody of Olivia's laughter in her head. "Couldn't help myself."

"I seem to be getting that a lot from you," Olivia smiled, cheeks flushed.

"It just hasn't completely hit me that I can do that now."

"Well, you only have yourself to blame. I should have known your ability to get what you want would be perpetually unfailing." Olivia laughed again, and Alex smiled with a blush.

The cabbie rapped on the door downstairs, most likely signaling he was ready to get his payment and blow the lesbian summer home. Alex placed a hand on Olivia's arm, motioning wordlessly to wait for her, and then walked briskly downstairs to pay the man. Olivia had been so suspended in a dream state that she forgot to offer to pay. It seemed like Alex was taking care of everything.

Soon Alex had returned upstairs, a smile on her face that didn't seem weighted with worry or apologies, as it had so many times before. Instead there was a freshness, as if there was a new beginning wrapped up into the hem of Olivia's blouse. Olivia felt the pressure, the doubt in herself. She didn't want Alex to put that much faith in her. But it felt nice to be believed in. Even if she was sure there wasn't much there to believe.

She also didn't know what to do. What would she do, caught in the temptation of starting something with Alex? A relationship almost seemed grim, as if it was a sentence awaiting an even worse demise. A start always had an end, she had learned that quickly. She didn't want to be left alone to her thoughts, left to idle about and eventually succumb to the issues scrawled out on notebook paper.

"I have everything planned out," Alex said, as if answering her thoughts. "I didn't want you to miss any of the beauty of Martha's Vineyard. I hate to assume control – but I'm going to have to take over if you want to enjoy as much as you can. We only have a week, after all."

"No, no. That's fine." Olivia said in relief. She crossed her hands at her lap. "I would love to have a little organized adventure. Takes me away from the swift unpredictability of the squad."

"Tell me about it," Alex said, then became aware that the sentence was only a step away from the rapid plunge of talking about work. "Actually…don't. Get undressed."

"Someone's eager."

"We need to head down to the beach. If we hurry we can catch the sunset."

Alex lifted up again, suddenly flushed with enthusiasm once more, and raced down to her suitcase for her swimsuit. Olivia watched her walk away, and then felt at her pocket for the list. She read over it again, assessing her condition as a problem. She would do this, she decided, whenever she felt her security slip away, and waves of affection roll into place.

Olivia had never seen Alex's face so red. Olivia had quickly got undressed and slipped into her swimsuit, a modest two piece meant to compliment her features. She then grabbed a towel from her suitcase and a small spray bottle of suntan lotion – something to protect the current state of her olive skin. In a rush she brushed out her hair, which was now trailing down her back, a record breaking length since her childhood. She quickly draped a wrap around her waist, tying it at her side. She then waited patiently out on the front porch, gazing at the blue skies that deepened closer to the horizon. Alex had come up within minutes with all the same items at her side – as well as a tote bag and two miniature bottles of white Merlot.

Alex took a quick glance at Olivia while marching downstairs – which promptly turned into a double take – nearly causing Alex to lose her balance. Olivia reached out to steady her and then gave her an inquiring smile. She seemed to be asking _"Have you been drinking already?"_ and Alex at the moment would not have been able to answer. She had no idea what she was thinking. It was almost a physical pain to look at such beauty, and lines of gibberish ran through her mind as she admired the glowing figure and the stunning smile, all wrapped up in one impossibly perfect package. She nearly thanked God right there that she had the opportunity to save her – to see her even – and she thanked the heavens for the chances that she could stomach being legal representation for a rape unit. She at the moment had no idea how she looked, or that she had stopped moving.

"Alex?" Olivia asked, with a slight smile. "I don't entirely know how to get to the beach from here. Could you lead the way?"

Alex stood in silence for a few more seconds, and then realized that she was indeed on earth.

"I just have to say," she said, running a flustered hand through her hair. "You look beautiful."

Olivia smiled unconsciously, and looked away from her. She seemed unable to stop this smile, and her face turned red at the thought of keeping this expression throughout their vacation.

"Thank you." She said modestly, as if accepting files from a coworker.

"But you get that a lot, I'm sure." Alex smiled now that the embarrassment was spread out evenly. She didn't wait for a response, content in being hung over the moment. "The beach is just around the house. We take a little path and we'll be there within seconds."

They started on the path quickly, and as sure as Alex said, they had arrived within a few steps. The beach was vast – bigger than what was apparent from the cab's view – and the only obstructions were large, photogenic rocks that piled over each other in grassy patches. Alex seemed to know her place, like she was counting her steps, and set down her towel in an area that she decided was the V.I.P of sunset watching.

Alex had laid out their place in minutes, two towels separated only by two bottles of Merlot stuck in thin sand. Alex lay out on the towel and motioned for Olivia to do the same. As soon as Olivia was settled she could view the beach for what is was.

Paradise, put simply. It wasn't a tropical paradise, with sweltering heats and toxically strong mixed drinks. It lacked the palm cabanas and the dark island men with charming accents and questionable motives. Instead, it was a sort of familiar paradise. Olivia felt it as a home away from home. The blue skies were fading into a purple, dashed by pinks and oranges and faded yellows. The waves crashed over each other gently, licking the small rocks that lined the shore, coming up at the ankles of the few vacationers that walked along the shoreline. It was calm, and serene. The city lights and smells seemed millions of miles away. And there was Alex. Someone who Olivia figured would be a tether back to the real world, a sort of anchor locking her mind into the squad room. Instead there was just peace. Alex's skin seemed to radiate content. In her least amount of clothes – a blue bikini with thin straps – she seemed the most secure.

Olivia admired it.

She admired it was much to pull her gaze from the setting sun and focus it on Alex. A wave of affection hit her, and yet another, but her list was not on hand. In its place were tiny strands of blond hair, gently lifted by a warm breeze. A thin, smooth form that had somehow soaked in the color of the island and dispersed it into every finger. Thoughts of Alex had swollen so large in Olivia's brain that there was little room for more. One little instinct had managed to wedge through.

Kissing Olivia on the beach had turned into an ordeal for Alex. It was warm on the beach, definitely warm, but when Olivia had suddenly reached over and locked Alex in an embrace, it had set on fire. Alex had heard it many times before – online and in the papers – the news of a woman's sexuality, and how they seemed to peak in their forties. But was it normal for it to completely change?

The sun had long set now, and Alex was walking a slightly buzzed Olivia back to the beach house. She had her arm hooked with Olivia's, taking each step in unison, a million different thoughts racing through her head. This sexually ambiguous vacation was starting out as more of a honeymoon.

She had expected to spend that time watching the sunset and talking of lighthearted things. Instead, she ended up unable to part her lips from Olivia, taken aback with the passion that she pressed each kiss into her skin. In retrospect, they wouldn't have had much lighthearted things to talk about. Work was out of the question, neither of them had children, politics and religion were too heavy, and anything else may have been either triggering or dreadfully dull. Not that she was complaining, not a bit. But she did find herself slipping a bit too far in Olivia's embrace. She found herself wanting to get lost in Olivia, to wrap herself up in the woman. These thoughts were dangerous, she realized.

They faltered up the stairs, materials in hand, and Olivia stood back to let her unlock the door. Soon they were inside, trudging up the stairs that seemed a lot longer now that they were buzzed, and they wandered inside Alex's bedroom. The room smelled of ocean water. Neither of them bothered to turn the light on, and Alex resigned gracefully on the bed, Olivia following suit. Before long they were laid out on Alex's bed spread, moonlight casting from the window to Olivia's face, which was tilted at an angle parallel from Alex's chest. Alex took that opportunity to play idly with strands of Olivia's hair.

"This is peaceful…" Olivia mumbled into her own hair. She looked lazily upon Alex's half-naked form.

Olivia's eyes wandered to the sky beyond the window, which wasn't completely black, to her surprise. She still saw a bit of reflection, a hint of blue that was lost to New York. The warmth of the breeze and the heat from Alex's body comforted her beyond explanation. She sighed as the familiar feelings of wistfulness passed through her, but not bitterly. She felt a little eternity wrapped up in the minutes she had with Alex. She reached out to hold Alex's hand, and Alex had met her halfway.

She could hear the waves from the window, and she could hear them pounding in her head. Affection surged through her like lightning.

Eventually a calmness filled Olivia's body, perhaps brought on by herself, but most likely transmitted through the pores in Alex's skin. There was no thinking, or reaching for the real. Olivia slept side by side with Alex, sure that no one else in the world existed.


End file.
